Keith and I were sitting here discussing how there's hardly any food in the house. I don’t do the grocery shopping like I used to any more. It’s typically just me at home in the house most of the time. Keith is at work ridiculously long hours Monday through Friday, and then sometimes even on Saturday, especially right now that he's acting first sergeant of his company while his first sergeant is off at first sergeant school. So, my line of thinking is why do we need that much food in the house … [Read more...]
Pictures…
Today I sit here thinking about my wonderful husband. He's been my rock through all of this. He's been the one to help get me through. Keith has been my everything and I'm sure he will continue to be for many years to come. Today has been a good day for me. I haven't cried and I haven't felt as sad as I normally am. This is a good thing. The two paragraphs above were written yesterday. Pictures. All of a sudden I'm sitting here thinking about pictures. I started to think about them … [Read more...]
“Held”…
I typically sit in my house during the day by myself, with no TV on or a radio playing in the background. It's just quiet (other than my puppy and kitty playing). But today I decided to open Windows Media Center and play some of my songs. Then I got to thinking about Natalie Grant's song. My cousin Tracey had sent me her CD Awaken about two months after Mari had died and the song "Held" struck me right to the heart. These are the words, and to hear the song is even more powerful. I just thought … [Read more...]
How am I supposed to live my life without her?
How am I supposed to live my life without her? How am I supposed to? I sit here in complete confusion as to how to do this. Nothing makes sense anymore. I don’t understand. I just simply don’t understand. Mari is gone and yet I'm still here. Mari is gone and yet I'm just supposed to move on with my life. But Mari is gone. There isn't an instruction manual on how to move on with your life once your one and only child is gone from it. I just don’t know how. I wish there was some tried and true … [Read more...]
Sitting in class…
Tonight I sit here in my creative writing nonfiction class and I 'm having such a hard time concentrating. I wish I'd stayed home instead of coming to class. I feel bad because I wasn't as prepared as I'd normally have been. I had only fully read one of the two stories. I had only read about the first third of the second story and about the last third. I briefly skimmed through the middle section. I felt totally unprepared when it came to the quiz tonight. He asked three questions from each … [Read more...]
Missing her…
I miss Mari so much today. I'm not even sure why. I talked with an old family friend I've known since I was probably about four or five years old today. She lost a son a couple of years ago so she knows what it's like to lose a child. She's a good person to talk to. For some reason I keep thinking back to the Saturday, the day after her cerebral hemorrhage and cardiac arrest, and when the PICU attending told us it was the worst CT scan she'd ever seen. How that day it felt like my world … [Read more...]
Comments and Feedback
A friend of mine told me she comes to this website everyday to see what I have posted and is disappointed when there isn't anything. I am going to try something new. I want to try to post at least one thing a day just to let you all know how I am doing. Sometimes I will just tell you how my day went and other times I will write out something like I usually post. I hope everyone will like this. Please keep your comments coming as I love to hear feedback from those who care about me, Mari and … [Read more...]
Loneliness
Today is a day of utter loneliness. I can’t explain it. All I want to do is just sit here and cry. I'm at home all alone. I really don’t feel like talking to anyone, yet I wish someone was here. Keith is at work. Those that I do call are either not answering their phones or they're out and about running errands. I know it's not anyone’s job to keep me company or help me to feel better. I just wish I didn't feel so lonely. The loneliness goes clear to the very bottom of my heart, the depths of my … [Read more...]
Today has been a day
Today has been a good day. I can honestly say I don't have many of those. It seems like they only come now and again any more. Nothing overly exciting happened but nothing sad happened either. To me, that's what makes it a good day. I believe I told everyone earlier that I joined Facebook at the end of November. Considering everything that has happened in my life, especially in the last year, it is good to find the little things that can bring a smile to your face (even if others don’t like … [Read more...]
Today is 8 months
It amazes me how one can mess up time when one does not want time to move forward anyways. Last month I thought Mari had been gone eight months. I even wrote about it. Then when it was getting closer to this month mark of her being gone, I started to think about it. There should only be three months until she has been gone for one year, but when I started to count there were 4 months. The math just did not add up. So last month she'd actually only been gone for seven months. Why does it feel … [Read more...]
