How am I supposed to live my life without her? How am I supposed to? I sit here in complete confusion as to how to do this. Nothing makes sense anymore. I don’t understand. I just simply don’t understand. Mari is gone and yet I’m still here. Mari is gone and yet I’m just supposed to move on with my life. But Mari is gone. There isn’t an instruction manual on how to move on with your life once your one and only child is gone from it. I just don’t know how. I wish there was some tried and true method that would help you get over your grief and despair but there isn’t. There’s absolutely nothing else on the face of the planet, in this world, that can make this easier.

Time. Is time what’s supposed to help me to heal? I seriously doubt it. Time has done nothing for me and I’m sure it’ll continue to do nothing for me in the future. All time is doing is just having the days pass by. I guess you could say time is a stair case. It’s one I climb each and every day. Sometimes the stairs are incredibly steep and narrow, and very hard to climb. Whereas other days, the stairs are incredibly wide and almost flat. The steep and narrow stair days are the day I just don’t know how I am supposed to get through. They’re the incredibly hard days or hard times, like what I’m going through tonight just trying to go to sleep at three in the morning. The wide and flat days are my okay days. Those are the days I can put a smile on my face and not cry. Those are the days I’m not thinking about Mari and how much I’m missing her all the time. This stair case I’m on is a climb I’ll be on until I die one day and the top of the stairs is that day when I’ve finally reached the top where Mari is waiting for me at the very last stair. She’s waiting there for me with open arms. But until that day I’m incredibly sad.

It seems like almost every night I’m thinking of my beautiful baby girl. Here lately it’s been about her last few days on this earth, or the wake and/or funeral. I remember looking back at her funeral and realizing that I’d never get to see my little girl again. She is just gone. Yet I’m still here to remember her while I’m on this earth. How is this possible? It wasn’t supposed to happen this way. The order is so out of whack. No one is going to ever help me to understand why Mari was taken from me. NO ONE!!! It’ll never make sense. We try to make sense of loss like this, we as human beings, but there’s nothing that makes sense when a mother (or a father) loses a child this early in life, or for that matter, the child dying before the parent does. NOTHING!!!

I sit here almost every night just wishing this was all a bad dream and that tomorrow morning I’ll wake up and hear her sweet little voice singing in the monitor to wake me up like she had done for so many years. I miss that sweet little voice more than I ever thought humanly possible.