Steven Curtis Chapman has a song that talks about “Out of these ashes beauty will rise.” The ashes represent the tragedy his family endured the day their daughter Maria died. The “beauty [that] will rise” is representative of God’s grace and love that even though something as terrible as losing a child, God is still there through it all. He is seeing you through. I can say I do love this song and the hope it brings. However, my life doesn’t seem to have found the Beauty of it all. I … [Read more...]
Harder to write these days…
These days it seems harder to write yet I miss Mari more and more. I have been having a really hard time as of late just really, desperately missing her wishing so badly that she was still here. Yet at the same time, if she was, I would be dreading the years to come as puberty would be approaching. To be a parent of a child with autism, it is like no other. A child with special needs is so different than parenting a child without. Your life is all consuming around this child. She was all … [Read more...]
Unchoices
When life gets hard, what should you do? Everyone is different and everyone handles their problems in different ways. For the most part, our lives involve different paths and the choices we make to get there. Some choices come by easily and others are difficult to almost impossible to have to make. And then there are the things that happen in our lives that can be called the unchoices. So what exactly is an unchoice you might be asking? Well, this is when something either happens to you … [Read more...]
The struggles of life…
The struggles of life, there always seem to be a never ending supply of them. Some of them seem simple and easy to overcome. Some seem out of the ordinary but we learn to deal with them anyway. Then some are simply unbearable and hard to imagine what the light at the end of the tunnel even looks like. That last one is the one that can describe, or at least try to, as to what it’s like for a parent to have lost a child. When it happens, the second it happens, there is no light. It feels … [Read more...]
Driving…
I sit here in our car driving. Today is December 29th. For most people it is just an average day. For some it even brings the special privilege of being their birthday. This day has always brought about special memories for us. However now it just brings sadness and tears to my eyes. Today Mari would have turned 11. I was getting so frustrated with drivers and yelling at them over stupid stuff. Then the tears just started to come down. I had to pull over with the ache that is there in … [Read more...]
Jackie Evancho
I sit here at home recovering for a simple surgery for the last couple of weeks. I am sitting here playing my favorite game on Facebook and I have the TV on in the background. I finished watching this Christmas movie and they announced The Martha Stewart Show was coming on. Of course I have no interest in her show. However, they were saying this 10 year old prodigy was going to be on her show that was found in the show America’s Got Talent. I had never heard of her before but she is known … [Read more...]
A Day in the Life of a Grieving Mommy
She is just a simple mom who’s world was turned upside down in what seemed like the blink of an eye. Her world already had many obstacles and hardships to overcome. Some people said she was brave. Yet others would said how strong or patient she was. She could not imagine her world getting any harder than it already was. Yet God had different plans for her life. Plans she never thought possible. Plans that somehow seem cruel and how could God do this to anyone let alone this simple … [Read more...]
Facebook…
I sit here at 5:16 in the morning playing a game on Facebook. It is a game I have truly come to love to play. I play it on a daily basis. I introduced it to Keith and he plays it right along with me. It is nice to have something we both love playing together. Since I have started playing the game, I have not written anything. I sometimes feel like I am letting me or others down but it has been nice to just not have to think about things all the time. A little over 3 weeks ago I went in … [Read more...]
Sitting here thinking…
I sit here thinking about Mari. I think I always think about her just sometimes more than others. But right now I am really missing her. I was talking to my dad a couple of days ago. His cell decided to call me out of the blue. When I answered all you could hear in the background was rustling around. So you knew right then that he did not call and the cell phone had a mind of its own. So I called him back just in case. He said that he must of accidently pushed the speed dial button … [Read more...]
Tangible Things
The only thing tangible left are pictures (and a couple of videos) taken of Mari from the time she was born until the day she died (literally). We have them of her while she was in the hospital when she was first born and we have them of her in the hospital when she was dying. It’s almost like it represents the cycle of life everyone goes through. We all are born and we all must die someday when our time is up on this earth. But with Mari, her time just seemed so short. It seems like that … [Read more...]
