The only thing tangible left are pictures (and a couple of videos) taken of Mari from the time she was born until the day she died (literally). We have them of her while she was in the hospital when she was first born and we have them of her in the hospital when she was dying. It’s almost like it represents the cycle of life everyone goes through. We all are born and we all must die someday when our time is up on this earth. But with Mari, her time just seemed so short.
It seems like that today most people have at least one computer at home if not more than one depending on how many people live in the house (Right now we have three only because I still have my old laptop after we bought my new one in January of this year). Some of the great features of a computer are the ability for each individual person to be able to customize just about everything to his or her liking. Even if there is only computer with multiple users, each user can have his or her own login account and customize their own space to make it their own. Well, I love to get in and customize everything on my computer and typically one of the very first things I do is to change the background picture.
Before Mari, I can’t even remember what type of background picture I would choose (I mean, that was over 10 years ago :p ) It seems like, for the most part, that once she was born the background picture has always been of Mari. Even now, when she has been gone for almost two years, with my new computer one of the first things I did was to change the background picture to pictures of Mari. It is a slideshow that changes pictures of her every 10 minutes. I see a new picture in the background all the time.
Sometimes when I look at one, it just makes me happy and puts a smile on my face. Other times it just makes me sad and sometimes I even start to cry as I miss her so much. Today when I turned on my computer and I saw the picture of Mari, something just struck me that the only thing tangible that I have left of Mari herself are these pictures and the couple of videos I happened to take while she was alive.
It’s interesting to me how something like a picture can both make you happy yet sad at that same time. It amazes me how she is even gone in the first place and not in a good way but in a sad, unbelievable way. I guess the bottom line is that the pictures we have of her are like the memories we have inside: they both are bitter sweet in the end. You’re glad you have them so you can remember but at the same time they cause a pain in your heart for how much you truly miss your little angel.
So, in the end, I guess you could say that I am simply grateful that I have them. I will always know that they will bring me happiness while bringing me sadness at the same time but I would not trade any of them for anything in the world. Thank you Mari for always being you and teaching so many others what it truly means to love unconditionally.
