T'is the season of joy, happiness & love, or at least that is how it used to be. Last year, what would've been our first Christmas without Mari, we got to escape and go to Hawaii. I didn't have to deal with the glaring reality of her not being here. Now this year has come. It's technically our second Christmas season. But the reality is so different. This is like it's our first one without her instead. It feels like ever since Thanksgiving Day I've been just getting by. Almost like … [Read more...]
Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving is a day where families and loved ones come together to spend time with one another. It’s a day I don't look forward to. I used to love this time of year. When anyone first arrives, everyone wishes them a Happy Thanksgiving. Most are genuine while some it’s just what you are supposed to say this day. Like last year, I will nod my head in acknowledgement but I won’t say it back. I feel that saying “it” would be ingenue on my part and why say something you really don’t mean. Please … [Read more...]
Mariana: A Personality Exuded
Mariana is my eight-and-a-half-year-old little angel who may be as misunderstood as how her name is pronounced. Her name is not Mary-anne-a but instead Mari‑ē‑awe‑na. For short, everyone calls her Mari. She may have a shortened nickname, but she is anything but short on personality. She can walk into a room and bring life to a stagnant crowd. The energy she exudes brings those around her back to a child like state. I often say, “If we could bottle up all her energy we might be able to light … [Read more...]
Justing Sitting Here…
As I sit here, I am readily thinking of Mari this morning. I sit here with a smile on my face at how that little angel could uplift the lives of so many while at the same time I have a dog at my feet just whining to get up on my lap and have some attention. It amazes me sometimes at how much my life has now changed from over a year ago. I was a stay at home mom taking care of a severely autistic child. My life was almost all-consuming with making sure Mari was watched almost all the time as … [Read more...]
Thinking about Mari
I was sitting here tonight thinking about Mari. Keith and I went to a new grief support group specifically for parents who have lost a child they were still raising, so the child they lost were under eighteen for the most part. It was nice to go to a group that for the first time truly understood what it was like to lose a child well before their time. Most of the children seemed to have died from a disease like cancer or a sudden death. Mari’s is still hard for me to classify as it wasn't … [Read more...]
Time Keeps on Treking
It seems as though time continues to trek on. Time is a never-ending cycle of both grief and happiness all rolled into one. A little over a year ago I lost the one thing most precious to me and that was my baby girl, Mariana. Mari is always thought about and missed. For anyone who was fortunate enough to meet her their lives were forever imprinted and changed to have known her. She had such a special spirit about her. She had an infectious laugh where sometimes she would just start laughing … [Read more...]
When We Think of 4th of July
When we think of 4th of July, we think of celebrations and get togethers. Get togethers with family. Get togethers with friends. Get togethers with co-workers. Get togethers with strangers. It's a time of celebrations and fun. A time to enjoy each others company. A time to reminisce with those you haven't seen in a while. A time to enjoy the fireworks and festivities. A time to enjoy parades. A time to enjoy the children’s faces light up over seeing the fireworks show or writing … [Read more...]
Approaching 11 months…
We are now approaching eleven months that Mari's been gone. June 16 will be exactly eleven months. Whether we want it to or not, time just continues to carry on. I was going through this site a little while ago and realized that I'd not posted anything new since Mother's day. It's been hard this last month and I know as the day approaches the one year mark it'll continue to get harder. Then I was reading the comment that someone wrote anonymously. What the person said was basically that I … [Read more...]
Mother’s Day is Here
It's officially Mother’s Day. A day of celebrating our mother’s or to be celebrated by our children. Today should be a day of utter happiness and excitement. To be remembered for just being the women who are loved by those around us. If Mari was here today she wouldn't even understand what today was. Keith would be the one to go and get me a gift and say it was from our little girl. She'd just be her normal, everyday self not realizing that it’s a day to celebrate me. A day to say, “I … [Read more...]
It’s coming…
I have really tried not to think about it. Yet it's coming. I don’t want it to come. Yet friends keep reminding me. I wish it'd just go away. Yet I receive a letter in the mail to say I'm being thought about during it. MOTHER’S DAY!! Mother’s Day is coming whether I want it to or not. It's supposed to be a time of celebration for being a mother. Our Mothers, Grandmothers, Great-Grandmothers, and sometimes even Great-Great-Grandmothers are all remembered this day and celebrated as the ones … [Read more...]