It’s officially Mother’s Day.

A day of celebrating our mother’s or to be celebrated by our children. Today should be a day of utter happiness and excitement. To be remembered for just being the women who are loved by those around us.

If Mari was here today she wouldn’t even understand what today was. Keith would be the one to go and get me a gift and say it was from our little girl. She’d just be her normal, everyday self not realizing that it’s a day to celebrate me. A day to say, “I love you, mommy, and I’m so glad that God gave you to me.” She’d never have understood the importance of today. Yet, me as her mommy, I was so incredibly gifted to have her in my life. She brought us so much pain and so much joy, so much heartache and so much sheer excitement. So much of just everything.

Mari had severe autism and yet somehow everyone she has ever touched in her life fell in love with her. No one could resist that beautiful smile.

I had a friend last night ask if I was going to visit her grave today. To be honest, I hadn’t even thought about it. I just don’t know if that would help me today. To know she isn’t here is so unbearable sometimes. I miss her so much. Yet we add the icing on the cake today and it’s Mother’s Day. A day for her to remember me. Just a day to be remembered as mothers.

The realization sometimes that Mari is no longer here just seems like I’m living a nightmare. I went to bed last night and said to myself, “Please let this all be a bad nightmare and when I wake up in the morning let Mari be here.” Of course she wasn’t. I hope for that all the time anyway. Then today comes and it’s all the more acute.

I just miss her so much. I love you, Baby Girl.