I’ve spent the day trying to unpack the spare bedroom/office area. It’s such time consuming work. Once in a while I run into something that was Mari’s. For the most part, all of her stuff was packed away and is in the storage unit we rented as our place is just too small to hold all of our stuff until we get on-post housing.
I was going through one of the boxes we’d packed back up after the movers just half-assed put our stuff everywhere and was a big mess. As I was going through this box, there was a yellow three-prong folder and it said “Mariana” on the outside. So I decided to look inside. I already knew what the folder was but wanted to look anyway.
The folder was from the fall of 2004 while she was in school. It’s mostly her artwork. There are a couple of pictures of her at school as well. When I have a chance I will scan the pictures in for everyone to see. I’m so glad I have this kind of stuff but at the same time it makes me so sad. It made me miss her so much that the ache goes deep down in my heart.
I took the book, went to my room and laid it on our bed to be put away later. Then I went back into the other room and in the walk-in-closet is Mari’s long purple princess type dress I made for her for Keith’s sister Peggy’s wedding. I took the dress down and held it up like if Mari was still in it and just hugged it. I was trying to remember her being in it and how if she was still alive how far off the ground she would’ve been. It reminded me of how incredibly little she really was and how missed she truly is now.
She would’ve turned ten this past December yet she will always remain in everyone’s mind our eight-and-a-half little angel up in heaven. I still have a hard time understanding why she’s gone sometimes. I think every parent out there who’s ever lost a child still thinks this no matter how long their child has been gone.
I realize that God works in mysterious ways and for whatever reason Mari’s time on this earth was done. It may not make sense to any of us but God understands more than all of us put together.
I still have to wonder why. Is it because of Mari’s severe autism and how she was becoming harder and harder to take care of everyday and Keith and I weren’t sure if we were going to be able to keep her safe from herself. I can’t remember how many times she either escaped out of the house to go on our roof or just go outside.
Or is it because God know she was very hard to deal with and it was becoming too much for Keith and I. I know we had no life outside of Mari but I’d trade everything I have to have her back right now. However, maybe God felt that Keith and I were at a point to where we just couldn’t take anymore. I don’t feel this way but only God knows.
Or was it because God needed me to be able to get through the loss of our beloved angel so that I could one day be there for other parents who’ve lost a child or others who have lost a loved one to let these people know that I truly understand what it means to lose someone you love with all your heart and soul.
Through my writing, I truly hope that I can touch many people’s lives and be there for those who need someone who’s there to just listen or that my words can somehow help others out there. I know I want to write a book about Mari’s life. I’d also love to talk to people at seminars or something like that to help others out there who need it.
I love you, Baby Girl, and Mommy misses you very much.
Love Mommy
This brought tears to my eyes. Today has been a real trying day with my children (fighting with each other, tattle-telling, arguing with each other, etc.) so this just brought it to reality not to take even these type of days for granted. Thank you for writing.
There with you, Kristena – Like you, I will never understand why. But in the years that have gone by, I have seen God use Paul's short life to bless others – I wondered if God took Paul because I could not take care of him anymore. But God ….. We are praying for you. Thank you for reminding me of the memories and the struggles and of God's wonderful way of bringing good out of the losses of our lives!
Stacey, it amazes me how many days while Mari was alive and I was having such a hard day because she did something like pull her pants down and poop on her floor or she would take a permanent market and write all over the walls. I would get so angry and say I hated her and wished I had never had her. I remember one day in particular about a month before she got sick and I had said this. Man, those are days I wish I could take back because it was just in the heat of the moment. I love her with all of my heart just as you love your kids with all of yours. We all have those bad days, especially with our kids, but as you well know, when it comes down to it we would give our lives just to protect them and make sure they are ok. You are so welcome. I am glad my writing can either help others out there or just touch someone.
Sylvia, I know you understand just as much as I do.
Stacey, it amazes me how many days while Mari was alive and I was having such a hard day because she did something like pull her pants down and poop on her floor or she would take a permanent market and write all over the walls. I would get so angry and say I hated her and wished I had never had her. I remember one day in particular about a month before she got sick and I had said this. Man, those are days I wish I could take back because it was just in the heat of the moment. I love her with all of my heart just as you love your kids with all of yours. We all have those bad days, especially with our kids, but as you well know, when it comes down to it we would give our lives just to protect them and make sure they are ok. You are so welcome. I am glad my writing can either help others out there or just touch someone.
Sylvia, I know you understand just as much as I do.
I just read this and I can't stop crying. I'm so sorry you had to bear this. My brother and sister in law have lost 5 angels. I have two girls 7 & 13 and I have to make the saddest move in my life and move out of state away from them. I can't see how I can do it. I know it's not the same as my brother or my best friend who also lost his boy, but I know what you mean about loving someone all the way to your soul. I never thought I could love anything like I do my girls..thank you for sharing your story.
Great Info. Tweeted about it. I’ll bookmark this post too.
Found this very helpful, many thanks for posting this.