The month of July can mean so many different things to so many different people. The first thing that comes to mind for most Americans is our Independence Day. On July 4, 1776, we truly became an independent nation. There have been many struggles, hardships, good times and excitement but it is on this day that we celebrate our independence as a nation for the freedoms that have been given to us.
For some this month is the end of Summer break as so many get ready to start a new school year whether it be college, high school, junior high, elementary school or even preschool. They celebrate the new year they are getting ready to embark on. They may not be excited to actually be going to school but it’s a time of growth and being around friends that makes them want to celebrate and have fun.
And then for some that have the privilege of celebrating another year of life as they have a birthday on one of the thirty-one day during this summer month. For some they can’t wait as they get older and look forward to being adults while others are adults and not so much celebrating getting older as much as they are just happy to be alive. Having another birthday is one more day year they’ve been alive on this earth.
And then there are those where celebrating doesn’t quite fit the bill. Instead it might bring you sadness as you remember. For me, July is a month that is the hardest of all the twelve months combined. July doesn’t designate happiness for me. But instead it is a time of remembrance as I remember the first 16 days in the month of July just four years ago.
Today, four years ago, I sat in a hospital room holding my daughter as she took her last breath of life on this earth while my husband sat beside me. We watched our die in front of us. Four years ago today we sat in a little bit nurses lounge and had to make a decision of how we would permanently let her go.
No one in their right mind dreams this will ever happen. We dream of high school and college graduations for our children as we celebrate with them. We dream of the day our child will stand beside the one he or she loves as they pledge his or her life the one he or she loves as they get married in front of all their friends and family. Those are times we celebrate as they are happy times.
But to celebrate losing a child seems unfathomable if you have never had to go through it. Our mind can’t really fathom this. And then one day it happens to you and you are in shock that it has. At the time, the blackness surrounds you as you can’t understand. However, as time continues to tick of second by second, the pain becomes less.
So July 16, 2008, was a day marked with sadness and despair. However, I can look back now (and yes I’m still sad, miss her so much and wish she were still here) and celebrate the life she had on this earth with us. Her life impacted people in way most could never imagine.
For example, she had a camp counselor/aid that took care of her while there two weeks before she got sick. This girl, this woman, had only known Mari for two weeks before she got sick. But because of Mari and the type of beautiful, wonderful little girl she was, she changed this girl’s life forever. She went onto to college and just graduated in May with her teaching degree in special education to children with autism. She starts her brand new job this coming school year. I mean, how awesome is that? How many people can say they have impacted someone’s life so much that they change the course their life is headed on and Mari didn’t even know she was doing it due to her autism?
Mari’s life is worth celebrating and remembering the miracle she was on this earth.
As her mom, I celebrate that I had the privilege of being her mom. She impacted my life in way I could have never imagined. The bottom line, God knew what he was doing. I can celebrate the fact that I am a believer and become of that choice I made to believe in Jesus dying on the cross for my sins that one day when I die I will be able to be with my angel again for the rest of eternity.
So please celebrate with me today her life. She was and will always be one beautiful little girl who has touched so many on this earth.
I think it’s so amazing how you see God’s grace in the hardship you have faced. As a mother I can’t even begin to imagine the pain of losing a child. My prayers are with you as you face this anniversary. Know that you are not alone. *hugs and prayers*
Sarah, thank you. Sometimes I am amazed myself that I am where I am today. I know I would not be if it were for Jesus and the strength God has given me. Sending {{{{{HUGGS}}}}} back at ya.
We lost our youngest last May, just a few months away from his 30th birthday. His choice, which we’ll never understand. But I’ve seen his sister and her family grow in the Lord by leaps and bounds, which fills my heart and eases the pain. God is good.
Linda, you are so right. God is good. It’s amazing the strength He gives us to get through.
Linda, I am so very sorry to hear about the loss of your youngest. You’re right, God is good. May He continue to fill your heart with grace and peace. You are in my prayers.
I’ve gotten to know you and your journey a bit over the loop with the Scribes and I know you’re dealing with such a horrible loss. Maybe writing and sharing about little Mari will continue to allow God to use your story and healing will take place as you reach out to others you meet. Many people have dealt with this, and they don’t know the Lord or trust Him as you are doing, Kristen. I pray you can be a light in their lonely lives. May God continue to watch and comfort you and yours. <3
Diane, thank you for your heartfelt words. You are so right. Many don’t know the Lord. For me that is hard to imagine trying to go through this journey without Him as I know that I why I am getting through. My hope is that others can see that through me that you will be okay even when the worst tragedy imaginable hits you. I believe God has blessed me over the past four years and in doing so He is blessing others as they read what I write. It is rather humbling to know that the words I write on this site might touch someones else’s life.
We lost our son, Jesse, just over a year ago to cancer. We are still reeling from the deep sense of grief and loss. It is so encouraging to see another believer trust God in the midst of grief and pain. Your daughter, Mari, is a lovely girl and is so obviously loved by you. May God bless you as you continue to tell your story to His Glory.
I am certain that Mari is enjoying the pure delights of Heaven in the presence of Jesus just waiting to be re-united with her mommy.
Peter, your words are so beautiful. Thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to tell me this. Thank you for sharing a little bit about your son. Know that someone understands what you are going through. And we are blessed we have the Lord in our life to give us the strength we need to get us through.
May is my month–I said goodbye to my husband then many years ago but still fresh in my mind. I too celebrate his life and knowing he is in heaven brings me joy. I learned how to do this at the feet of my mother as she lost 3 sons–2 from a terrible disease and one from a car accident. Today she is the most joy filled person I know and she says it’s because she’s had 4 wonderful children and she’ll be moving in with her sons someday and her daughter will follow later.
Hugs,
Diana
Diana, that is a beautiful tribue to your mom. It’s amazing how God works in that way to show us how much he loves us by giving us the hope we need and in return it brings us pure joy.
What a beautiful tribute to your little girl. Thank you for sharing how her life touched those around her. She was an inspiration for us all!
Thank you Cheri. It makes me happy to know that I am able to share, both the sad and happy times, with all of you my journey. It amazes me still to see how she can touch people’s lives even while she now sits in heaven.
I truly am sorry for the loss of your dear child. Hmm, to say it’s a loss sort of implies that you misplaced her somewhere and that is truly not the case. I am sorry you no longer have her physical presence in your life, the tangible aspects which y’all could hold, kiss, hug, and squeeze. I admire the strength y’all have to continue on and maintain your faith.
Ann, thank you. You are so right in that it is the physcial body we so miss. I miss seeing her laugh at absolutely nothing or flap her arms as she tries to fly about the room while the Backyardigans theme song comes on. Fortunately, one day I will get to be reunited again.
So many bittersweet memories. Our first child died at 64 days. She would have been 42 this past June. Knowing they’re with God moderates the pain. Peace and Blessings
EG Lewis, you are so right, knowing that Mari is with God does help to get us through. My grandfather had lost a baby at 10 days old over 60 years ago. No matter how many years its been you will always miss them when they are not on this earth. I think the one thing that give us all solice is that we know it is only a short time (although sometimes it feels like forever) before we get to be reunited again with our little ones for eternity.
Your posts are some of the hardest to read, yet they are the most thought provoking. God has given you an authority that cannot be denied. Thank you for sharing God’s grace in the midst of your sorrow.
Mike, thank you for that. Last night I started to write it and I was fine. Then I came to the part about holding my daughter as she died in my arms and the tears started their freefall downward. I know that by me opening my heart it lets others know where I am at and also that I might help others who are also grieving know that someone else out there really does understand what they are going through. God has laid on my heart to share this journey and it has been one of the biggest blessing of my life as a result.
Kristena – Bless you for sharing your pain. I pray your work will bless others. — Kristen
Kristen, thank you for your kind words. I appreciate you taking the time to read about my little one.
God is so good to give you this outlet to express your heart. I know this dedication blog is what began your writing journey. It’s another example of how Mari touched a life and turned it around so someone could glorify God with their life. She was truly a blessing.
Wade, you are so right. God is good that He was able to show me that writing can be a great way to help with my grief. Mari was a blessing in more ways than one and I feel honor to be able to tell everyone about her and how she not only touched my life but so many around me.
Reading your story was such a precious reminder of God’s faithfulness. Thank you for sharing your heart–and your little girl–with all of us.
Blessings to you today.
D’Ann, thank you for your kind words. They have touched my heart. I feel blessed that I am able to share my little angel with all of you.
Thank you for your story that touched my heart. Your daughter is in heaven with our Lord Jesus now. May He give you all the comfort.
Dicky, thank you for your heartfelt words. It always amazes me how my words can touch someone else the way they do.
When I read your post on NovelTrack yesterday it gave my spirit pause. I’ve been praying for you on and off all yesterday and I will continute to do so today. Thank you for being real and transparent and sharing. I’m sure it is tempting to retreat and hide but you give out of your on this earth loss. Thankfully you will see her again but it sure hurts this side of heaven. May God’s peace, love, and grace envelop you and lift you up. Blessings to you…..
Susan, thank you so much for the words you written. For whatever reason (or I should say God is the reason) when I write I let all my emotions out through it. It helps to cleanse me in a way. May times I have cried as I have written a posting for this site as I think of my daughter while writing it. In a way, it helps me to stay close to her. I feel blessed by every single comment left on this site as it reaffirms what I am doing here is the right thing. So so thank you again for taking that time to let me know how my words have touched you.
Beautifully written, Kristena. Every life is worth celebrating. I so appreciate you sharing your heart with us.
Carol, thank you so much. I love sharing my heart with everyone as it helps you guys to better get to know me. I feel honored you guys stop by and read what I have to say. It means so much to me.
Kristena, this was a beautiful tribute to your daughter and the impact of her short life here on earth. Now she’s cheering you on from heaven in that cloud of witnesses, seeing what a difference she made in her time here and waiting for the day you two can be reunited. How blessed you are to see God’s grace and goodness in such a tragic loss.
Traci, thank you for those beautiful words. It warms my heart to know that others see the love and tribute I try to put in my writing to my daughter as the only reason I even began to write is because of her. I am blessed as a result.
Wow… Beautiful. I love how you show that faith doesn’t mean ignoring our pain. God’s faithfulness is indeed overwhelming. Thank you for sharing this, Kristena.
Lori, I feel blessed to be able to share this with all of you and I’m glad it has been able to touch other people’s lives. I think it’s important to share my most inner feelings with other for the very reason you stated as so many turn from God when a severe tragedy strikes in ones life. For me, God is who gives me the strength to go on each day, especially in the beginning. I know it is through this tragedy that the gift of writing God bestowed upon me was given. I am just so blessed as a result.
I’m so sorry for you, sister. We lost our girl in the month of December, so I know what you’re talking about when that certain time rolls around. Thanks for sharing your heart with us, and forgive me for being late on posting this month. God bless you.
Deborah, thank you for your kind words and it’s weird sometimes how you feel an instant connection to someone else when they have been through a similar experience. So July is for me as December is for you. December is another month for me as that is when my precious little was born. I feel blessed that God has given me the ability to be able to put my thoughts and feelings into words and then be able to share them with everyone else.