I love keeping a journal. I typically go for long periods of time without writing in it but when I do it becomes a daily ritual.

Right after Mari died I told Keith I had to get a journal. What I wrote in there were all my very raw and exposed emotions. Sometimes it felt like I wrote the same things over and over. It’s one of the ways that helped me through my grief.

And then one day I had tons of thoughts swirling around in my head. But I had a different feeling this time about writing them down. I knew I needed to share them with others. And that’s just what I did. Those thoughts became born on what is now my daughter’s dedication website, Mommy’s Angel In Heaven. Kind of like a new baby so to speak. It has grown with me as I have stumbled and crawled my way through my grief journey. It has become a source of healing. In the end, it also brought me to my gift that I can write and my writing somehow actually resonates with others. Wow, can it get much better than this?

So I would recommend a journal for anyone. I hope it does for you what mine did for me: a sense of utter freedom.

I’d like to share a couple of those entries with you to show you what I wrote in those first few days. Please know these show my very raw emotions. I normally wouldn’t do this but I wanted you to see how important my journey was for my at the time before I started to write on my daughter’s dedication site.

July 29, 2008

I decided to pick up this journal to write my thoughts down at night before going to bed.

I [don’t] understand how Mari is gone.  No matter how much she drove me crazy I want her back so much.  I just want her alive and singing her songs.  I love her so much and miss her so much.  I don’t know how I’m supposed to live without her.

Keith is right in that I know she wants us to go on with living our lives.  I’m just not sure how I’m supposed to do it.

Mari’s old camp in DeKalb, Camp Maple Leaf, did a tree planting ceremony today in honor of Mari.  The tree will always be there and growing to remind us of Mari.  They’re also going to put a brick stone dedicated to her.  I guess I’ve been a grump all day (per Keith).  I guess it’s just because it was such a hard day for me.

I just don’t understand how we went from July 1^st with diarrhea to her dying on July 16.  My brain just cannot wrap itself around this.  I’m at such a loss.  My heart just feels empty without her here.  It just feels wrong and not have her here now.

Lord, I pray that you will help me to understand why you’ve taken my little angel, my baby girl away from Keith and I.  We just miss her so much as I am sure you’re well aware of.

Please help us through this time.

I am signing off now.

Kristena

July 30, 2008

Keith and I were over at Amanda [Keith’s sister] and Dave’s house today.  Amanda has pictures up everywhere of Mariana.  At first I held back the tears pretty well but then I saw a picture of Faith sitting on and riding Mari’s Dora ATV.  I just lost it then.  I just miss her so very much.  I just don’t understand how she’s gone.  I don’t think it’ll ever make sense to me.

Kristena

August 3, 2008, Sunday

Yesterday was my birthday (August 2).  I turned 35 y/o.  It’s hard to believe I’m half way through my thirties already and I’ve already had significant loss with the loss of my daughter.  My life will simply not be the same without her.

We went to finally go see Mari’s grave for the first time.  The day she was buried we didn’t get to see her being buried.  Today we saw her grave but her headstone was not put up yet.  Probably not back yet from engraving.  It just looked like dirt.  There was hay spread all over the top along w/everyone in her row and the same type of netting over the top.  Keith and I think it was to keep the grass seed from blowing away or something.  I cried some but not as much as I thought I was going to.  We then went around the cemetery, found a memorial walk and walked around the path.  Then we left and came back home.

We went to see the movie “Wall-E” tonight for my b-day.  It was so good.  I think Mari would’ve really loved it.  It makes me sad to know she’ll never get to see it.

Well I am off to sleep.

Kristena

August 4, 2008 Monday

I’m so tired of “coping with my grief.”  I miss Mari so much.  I just want her back so much.  I sleep with the Big Blue from Blue’s Clues [I bought it for her while she was in the hospital].

I’m having a hard time right now.  I’ve already explained once today about Mari & now this new lady just called & wants me to explain it again.  I just can’t explain it again today.  I’m just sitting here crying.  I just want her back.  Why did Mari have to be taken from us?  Why did Mari, our bright little happy angel have to die.  I miss her so much.  I love her so much.  I just want her back.

God, why did you take our baby girl from us?  I know you know everything & you only reveal to us what you want us to know but I’d love to know why you took Mari from us.  I miss her so very much.  My heart feels empty without her.  Well I am off for now.  Lord, please help me through the day.

Kristena

August 7, 2008 Thursday

I really hate today.  Lori called us today.  She’s the social worker from Children’s Memorial Hospital.  She called to see if we’d gotten the help we needed.  I told her sort of.  Then we started talking & I started to cry.  I’m simply done dealing with the death.  I don’t want to talk about it anymore AT ALL.  I’m just going to move on with my life.  I just miss her so very much.  I just want her back so bad.  Well I’m done dealing.  I don’t want therapy.  I don’t want support groups.  I don’t want to talk about it anymore.  I was upstairs & Keith had my lapdesk & my knee pillow.  It irritated me so badly.  I don’t know why but it did.  I’m just going to go back to school & then go to work.  I’m just simply done.  I’m sick & tired of dealing with it.  I know Keith would miss me but I wish God would just take me home to be with him.  I’m just so sad.

I want to go home but not to our home.  I can’t move back there.  I just need to get away.  I know it’s not going to happen anytime soon so I guess just oh well.  I am off.

Kristena

August 9, 2008 Saturday

It’s now early in the morning and I can’t sleep.  I’ve been laying here in bed just tossing & turning.  All I do is think about Mari.  I keep remembering things she used to do or things I’d do with her or just things she used to do that irritated me that used to seem so upsetting at the time but seem so trivial now & I just wish I could have them back.  I know my life will never be the same another day in my life.  I actually told Keith today that I almost wish we’d never had her because then I wouldn’t be hurting like I am now & I wouldn’t know what I’m missing.  My heart simply hurts & aches so much for my little angel.

My friend Kelly told me something today.  She said that time doesn’t heal wounds.  She said time helps one to deal with the hurt, the pain because she said the hurt will always be there.  I was so glad she said this because I’m sick & tired of everyone telling me that time heals all wounds when I feel in my heart that it won’t.

Well I am off to try to go to sleep although I’m not tired.

Kristena

August 10, 2008 Sunday

Tonight Keith & I prayed together.  He wanted me to say it this time but I didn’t want to so he finally did it.  So he prayed then did his usual where he talks to Mari.  I felt bad & guilty for not praying so then I said a [one].  At first I just prayed about going to school.  When I started to pray about Mari & how I am doing I couldn’t even get through without crying.  I just don’t know how I’m going to get through all of this.  I am just simply having such a hard time.  Tomorrow we’re supposed to go & take Mari off of DEEERS (the army’s system for dependents) because she’s not alive anymore.  That will in a sense just make everything that much more permanent.  I just wish I could wake up from this really bad dream I’m in.  Well, I’m off to bed.

Kristena

August 13, 2008 Wednesday

I think I’ll go the cemetery on Saturday.  [It’ll be] one month to the day that she passed away.  I think sometimes we should just go back home to live but then I think how can I do that.  How could I possibly move back into Mari’s house when she’s not there & she’ll never return.  I miss her so very much.  How am I supposed to live my life without her?  Nothing makes sense to me anymore.  I mean nothing.  I’m trying to go back to school.  At times I’m really looking forward to it & then other times I dread it.  I know I will be graduating with my Associates (A.A.) degree soon.  It will be nice to finally have one degree underneath me.

Well I am off.

Kristena

August 15, 2008 Friday

I can’t believe it has almost been a month since Mari died.  I had a really long talk with Gayle last night.  Almost 2 hours.  I know she somewhat understands because Dusty committed suicide.

I have been crying so much.  Most of the time I just want to be alone.  Keith doesn’t like that.  I know he’s very concerned for me.

I wish we were grieving in somewhat similar ways instead of polar opposite.  It makes it hard on us.

Well, I am off to bed.

Kristena

August 16, 2008 Saturday

Well, it has been one month today.  It’s hard to believe a month has already gone by.  We went to her grave this morning.

I’m to the point tonight I just don’t want to cry anymore.  I’m so tired of thinking about Mari & the hospital stay & her death.  I just love her so much.  How am I supposed to go on without her?

Signing off.

Kristena

Those were from the first month after my beloved daughter passed away. As you can see, my grief went deep. My journal helped me through this time when I needed it the most. And, I apologize now for all the ‘just’ words. I didn’t realize how in love I was with the word. LOL