I’m sure those of you who have been following me here have noticed I went silent over the month of December. Most might think it was because of the holidays and in particularly Christmas. The thing is, I was looking forward to Christmas; however, Mari’s birthday was December 29 and she would have turned fourteen.
Man, fourteen years have come and gone since I gave birth to my precious little girl. Fourteen years. I still remember how difficult my pregnancy had been. How giving birth to her had been rough and even the start of her life hadn’t been easy with the cord wrapped around her neck as she was delivered. The next eight and half years changed my life in a way I could never have expected or anticipated as we watched her grow and found out she had autism.
After only eight and a half years the Lord decided it was time to bring Mari home to be with Him. She’d fulfilled her purpose on this earth. She’d touched so many hearts. She’d left her imprint on those around her. We were all blessed just for having known her.
For some reason this year had been harder for me that the past couple. The only reason I could come up with was because we are now in Alaska and Mari is buried back in Illinois so we can’t go and visit her grave any more. Every since she died and then we moved away in April 2010 due to Keith getting orders to move us to Fort Knox, Kentucky, we’d always gone back the Chicago area around her birthday and the day she died so we could go and visit her grave on those two days. Well, 2013 was different as we’d arrived into Alaska on May 27 last year so both July 16 and December 29 were going to be impossible for us to go and visit. I don’t think anyone has visit her grave now.
At the end of the day, I’m her mommy and it’s the parents who will care the most about visiting it. Even for Keith for him visiting the grave wasn’t as important. It’s not that he doesn’t miss our daughter because I know 100% without a shadow of doubt that he still does and always will, but it’s just that he looks at things differently than I do. In this case, going to the grave has always been very important to me. I think maybe it’s because from a tactile perspective it’s as close as I can get to physically touching her. I mean, I know I can never touch her body again, but her boy is still buried in the ground. She has a tombstone showing us where she’s at.
So, I cried more this year than usual. I ultimately made a decision to put my writing, editing and critiquing that needed to be done all on hold until I could get past this funk I was in. It’s slowly started to pass and I see myself getting more energized about writing. The time is coming for me to get hot again and then I’ll be off.
I have a question for all of you. How often would you like to hear from me on here? Everyday? Monday through Friday? Weekends? Five days a week? Four? Three? Two? One? Every two weeks? Once a month? Please let me know by putting your answer int he comment section below.
Also, what would you like to see me write about? More about me and how I’m doing? Doing the NaBloPoMo that I’ve been doing (until last month of course 🙂 )? Or something else that would work?
Your feedback is very important to me. Thank you for visiting and reading on Mari’s dedication site.
Kristina thank you for sharing these thoughts with us. Give yourself some slack with the guilt for not writing thing. Life happens to all of us making all of us reassess our priorities. I’m not very good at keeping up with my website/blog either, but I do actively participate over at FB and with ACFW and CWFI–family. I finished NaNo before the deadline of Nov. 31st, on Nov 26th to be precise. I am now the proud owner of a NaNo T-shirt, not that I can wear it in the cold and snow, but next Summer. My brother has a form of autism, I believe it is called Asperger Syndrome. My son is also MR/MH so I am familiar with special children, but I cannot imagine the pain in losing a child. I’ve lost a grandchild at birth but never a child, yet. Praying for you as you walk through these tough times. BTW did I ever put you in touch with Jean Ann Williams? She’s a member over at CWFI–family. Blessings, Cass
Hi Cass, thank you for your kind words. They mean so much. I try not to beat myself up. I just wanted people to know I’m still here but sometime when I disappear I either I’m not writing at the moment or something like what happened over the past month happens where I’m really missing Mari and I kind of shy away from things for a little while. I know I will come back but in those moments just needs some time away, which I think everyone can totally relate to.
Congrats on finish NaNo. I tried this year but November is never a good month for me due to what I posted in this very post. My time from July through December is always so hard for me. And then January comes and my slump kind of goes away which I’m grateful for. Thank you for your prayers. They mean so much to me. I believe you did put me in touch with her. Blessing to you too.
Hey, Girl! Glad to see you back. Sometimes the emotions just have to have an outlet. I believe that once a week would be enough, unless you start getting lots of comments and questions about the grief process. Then you might reconsider how often, and what kind of ministry God is giving you. 🙂
Thank you Voni. It’s good to be back. And I agree, we all need our outlets and writing just happens to be one of mine and it works really well for me. Once a week just might be the ticket. Will have to see how it all works out.
Hugs, Kristena. I know the feelings – I am close enough to go, but do not go often. I do not read all the time, but would certainly check in once a week or so.
Hello my dear friend Sylvia. I know you are but it’s also a long drive for you. If you were closer to it I have no doubt you’d visit it once in a while. I know how much Mari meant to you. You were like a little angel for her while she was on this earth and I thank you for that. Another vote for once a week. Keeping that under my radar. Love ya and miss ya. Hope we get to see each other again some day soon.
Hi Kristena –
I’m sorry you had a rough Christmas this year. My husband passed away 6 1/2 years ago, and at certain times it still affects me.
I post on my blog 2X per week. It’s all I can manage now that I’m published. I’m happy if I get around to reading blogs once or twice a week. Three or more times is overwhelming because I follow quite a few blogs.
Your writing journey, book reviews, guest posts, and personal posts all interest me.
Blessings,
Susan 🙂
Susan, thank you so much for taking the time to read about my journey and how I am doing. I can just imagine how busy you are now that you are published and the deadlines you must have. My hope and prayer is that someday I will be in that same spot. I like your idea about two times a week. I think I might go with that. And thank you for your kind words about my writing. It means so much.
Sweet Kristena, Time will only tell where the path will lead. Time to grieve, time to heal, time to pick up the tender, precious pieces of your heart and soul that will eventually lead you to a life that you KNOW Mari would have wanted for you – her precious mother. A life in joy and love with the faith to know that the Great Spirit is with you surrounding you and encompassing you in peace knowing that you were the mother of that beautiful, precious, little girl. She was one blessed baby to have had you as a mother and don’t ever forget that she is rooting for you on the other side! My mother used to say that it’s hard losing someone because “It’s just not the same when you can’t touch skin”. You can, however, hold each other in the heart and soul – forever…. Blessed Be…
Thank you Danielle for both your encouraging and heartfelt words. I’ve been blessed by what you said. And you are so right in that one day I will get to see my baby girl again. We may not know the day but I know it will be one day in the future. I have been blessed by having been Mari’s mom. She was such a joy to raise, even through the hard times and her autism. I know I am a better person today because she was a part of my life.