I miss Mari so much today. I’m not even sure why.

I talked with an old family friend I’ve known since I was probably about four or five years old today. She lost a son a couple of years ago so she knows what it’s like to lose a child. She’s a good person to talk to.

For some reason I keep thinking back to the Saturday, the day after her cerebral hemorrhage and cardiac arrest, and when the PICU attending told us it was the worst CT scan she’d ever seen. How that day it felt like my world had fall out from underneath me. The nurse was a sweetheart that day. She asked if I wanted to lay beside Mari. I said yes. So she moved her over and I went to sleep beside her. That was the very last time I ever got to do that. I just keep thinking about this moment. How special it was to me and just how much I miss her.

We went to Midevil Times last night. It was so much fun. I just keep thinking how much Mari would’ve loved it and yet she will never be able to see it.

I talked to my grief counselor this past week about whether I should write on this website everyday. I haven’t been writing everyday because I didn’t want to sound redundant. She said that what will happen over time is my grief will change as will what I write in here. It will be like all of you are growing with me through my grief. I hope by me posting everyday it will help you to understand me better.

I love you Mari and I miss you so much.
Love Mommy