How am I supposed to live my life without her? How am I supposed to? I sit here in complete confusion as to how to do this. Nothing makes sense anymore. I don’t understand. I just simply don’t understand. Mari is gone and yet I'm still here. Mari is gone and yet I'm just supposed to move on with my life. But Mari is gone. There isn't an instruction manual on how to move on with your life once your one and only child is gone from it. I just don’t know how. I wish there was some tried and true … [Read more...]
Sitting in class…
Tonight I sit here in my creative writing nonfiction class and I 'm having such a hard time concentrating. I wish I'd stayed home instead of coming to class. I feel bad because I wasn't as prepared as I'd normally have been. I had only fully read one of the two stories. I had only read about the first third of the second story and about the last third. I briefly skimmed through the middle section. I felt totally unprepared when it came to the quiz tonight. He asked three questions from each … [Read more...]
Missing her…
I miss Mari so much today. I'm not even sure why. I talked with an old family friend I've known since I was probably about four or five years old today. She lost a son a couple of years ago so she knows what it's like to lose a child. She's a good person to talk to. For some reason I keep thinking back to the Saturday, the day after her cerebral hemorrhage and cardiac arrest, and when the PICU attending told us it was the worst CT scan she'd ever seen. How that day it felt like my world … [Read more...]
Loneliness
Today is a day of utter loneliness. I can’t explain it. All I want to do is just sit here and cry. I'm at home all alone. I really don’t feel like talking to anyone, yet I wish someone was here. Keith is at work. Those that I do call are either not answering their phones or they're out and about running errands. I know it's not anyone’s job to keep me company or help me to feel better. I just wish I didn't feel so lonely. The loneliness goes clear to the very bottom of my heart, the depths of my … [Read more...]
T’was the Night Before Our Lives Changed
I am asking for everyone's help. I have rewritten a poem that is a dedication to Mari. If everyone could please read it and give me your comments, I would appreciate it more than you know. I have also put "T'was the Night Before Christmas" below my poem so you can put them side by side. My hope is that you feel my poem matches up with this poem. Thanks in advance for everyone's help with this. Kristena T’was the night before our lives changed, forever in our house, No one could have known, … [Read more...]
Music of the Heart
I was not sure if I could handle going back to church this morning. I have tried two times since Mari passed. Each time I could not make it through. I sit here writing this as those around me are singing. Singing was one of the things I used to love to do in church. It meant so much to me and I put my heart and soul into it. I just can’t seem to do that. Singing has always meant so much to me. In my high school youth group is where I was introduced to contemporary Christian songs. I am so … [Read more...]
8 Months Have Come and Gone
I sit here contemplating what my life is going to be like without Mariana. It has been 8 months since she passed. Then you are probably thinking, “Well, if it has been 8 months, shouldn’t she already know?” I can tell you first hand that I still don’t know. Eight months ago tomorrow my daughter was still here with us. Eight and half months ago she was still singing, and dancing, and being the bright and shining star we all know and love. Yet now that star is not shining and bright. It has been … [Read more...]
Can Two People Really Grieve That Differently?
How can two people who love each other so much grieve in such utterly different ways. I don’t think there is a person on the planet who doesn’t know that men are different than women. This is why the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus was written and the game was created. It is to try to help all of us understand the opposite sex. Personally, I have never read the book but I can just imagine what it says. Tonight I went outside to gather up more firewood from our backyard. I started … [Read more...]
The Value of a Mom’s Tears (or Dad’s)
To me crying is never embarrassing because it is the way I truly express myself. It shows that I am sad. However, tears can make those around you so uncomfortable. I was recently given an article written by Dr. Joyce Brothers. Now she is before most our time (although I have heard of her before) but she wrote something about tears when she lost her husband. I felt that I could turn this article into something that can become applicable for a mother and/or father who has lost a child. When a … [Read more...]
Two Weeks and Two Days
I sit here tonight doing some research for my Biology class. I am supposed to turn in six articles throughout the semester. The articles are supposed to be related to biology somehow. I found a website dedicated to biology a couple of weeks ago. The site publishes several articles every single week. I had printed off several of them so I would be ready when I had to turn them in. But tonight I decided to do some research on topics that were more interesting to me. I found several from the … [Read more...]
