It has come to my attention by a close friend that I may need to rewrite some of what I wrote below. My husband is the love of my life and in no way do I want to shed him in a bad light. If I have done that I am truly sorry. I will put *** by the part where I have rewritten this post so you know where to start if you are looking for the update. Thank you.
I am reaching out right now to all my friends, family and loyal followers of what I write. If you believe in praying, my husband and I need prayer. Mari will have been gone for four years on July 16th. In the beginning, I was very angry at God for allowing our little girl to die. I yelled at him, “How could you do this to me?” I was heartbroken that my little angel died so suddenly over E. coli. How could He allow this to happen?
Then time went by and my anger lessened but I still didn’t understand. I had started writing what happened to her while she was still alive. Then on October 23 (I believe) I started to write what would be my very first post on this site. I have since continued to write through my grief journey. I have shared with all of you exactly how I feel as the days, months and years continued to move along.
As time went on I wanted to also write a book about my daughter’s life. I have told you about it and I am in the process of doing it. However, I have put it on hold for a little while because I felt God calling me to learn the craft of fiction writing. I need to learn this so I can implement the elements of fiction in Mari’s book. I feel from the bottom of my heart that her story is meant to be for more than just friends and family and the first draft of the book I was being told over and over again it was just that. So I need to make it more engaging. I will take her hospital story and turn it into a full length book.
So in this journey, I have become a part of several different writing websites. I finally found ACFW, American Christian Fiction Writers. This has truly been a God send and the people on there have been such a blessing in my life. Not only has my craft in fiction writing improved immensely but I have started to form some friends that I am ever so grateful for.
Through this journey I have finally started to call myself a writer. I can see that God has allowed all the tragedies to happen in my life for a reason. I am able to take every single experience and use that in my writing to help make my characters all that much better as I understand grief and hard aches. I can finally see the blessings that have come from Mari’s death. It is hard to believe but it has happened.
However, I have come to the reason I am asking for prayer. *** My husband is having a very hard time right now with everything that is happening in our lives. The death of our daughter hit him hard, as I am sure everyone understands. We both have had our anger issues with God as a result. It is just hard when neither of us understand what God is doing and keeps putting more on us. It doesn’t make sense in our human self.
Almost a year ago we took guardianship of our niece and nephew and we have been the happiest we have been since Mari died. It has truly been wonderful and a blessing. But about two to three month ago I started to have severe pain in my left hip joint. That pain can now occur at anytime and anywhere in my left leg and also in my right leg. My left foot is starting to go numb in places. The other day in the doctor’s office I lost complete strength in my left leg from my knee down. The doctor asked me to either push on his hand when he put his hand on top of my foot and the bottom of my foot and I was unable to do it. They had to get a wheel chair for me to leave again.
I have been on crutches for the last month now and I have missed a lot of work as a result. Now the doctors are suspecting that it might be MS. We just don’t understand how more and more keeps being laid in our lives. This evening he yelled out something like, “God how can you do this to us? I mean, enough is enough. My daughter dying wasn’t enough that now you have to put us through this.” That’s not exactly what he said but it’s pretty close. I understand his anger and frustration. We may not understand how we can continue to go through one thing after another but God does. We may not understand His reasoning’s but I am sure they are good ones. Please pray for us. We both need to completely turn this over to Him. This is not easy. This man, my husband, is the complete love of my life. He has to do everything right now with the kids and around the house and it is truly taking a toll on him. I was in tears this evening due to having another pain attack and how this has become so hard on the two of us and especially Keith with having to do everything.
Please just pray that we can both turn this over to God and that we can get our anger out and then completely lean on Him as we know He is in control of everything. We just have to trust that. It’s not easy but I know that through our Heavenly Father it can be done.