I am here at work today just having a normal day. I had a book by Angie Smith called I Will Carry You that I let someone borrow. It is such a story of encouragement to me while at the same time it made me ball like a baby. I could so relate to her story. It truly touched my life. I am ever grateful to have been introduced to this story at my women’s retreat this past March.
I let a coworker borrow the book to read. For her it was just too sad and so she had laid it on my desk this morning giving it back. I decided to ask this other woman I work with if she would be interested in reading a book a very inspiration but it is a tear jerker. Her eyes lit up as she said, “Yes.” I then started talking about the book and telling her how I have never highlighted in any book before other than when I was in college. But there was so much compelling stuff that either I understood what she went through or she had some great words of wisdom.
My friend then said that God only allows special people to have a child and then one day when it is time for that child to come back home that he knows they will be ok. I told her, “I am not special.” And then the waterworks just start to flow out of me. I couldn’t even make it to the bathroom in time before the tears were flowing out of my eyes.
You would think that after almost three years I would still not have this kind of reaction over losing by precious baby girl, my angel in heaven. This couldn’t be further from the case. I miss her so much. My heart still aches to know she is not here with me on this earth. I would give anything to have her back but I know that will never happen in this life time. I do know that I will one day get to see her again in heaven but it just feels like that is so far off into the distance. My heart has a hole in it that will never be filled again as she held that spot. However, I know that I will be ok.
I know that God has very special plans for me. I know he has shown me in His own special way that the way I write has the ability to touch other people’s lives. It is amazing that through such a tragedy as losing my daughter that something as beautiful as my writing can be (or at least that is what other tells me) so touching to other people’s lives. It makes me feel special. I know that God has a plan for me. I know that whatever it is it will be something that uplifts Him and helps others to know that someone else out there truly understands what it is like to go through the incredibly hard times in our lives.
Nothing can be worse than losing a child, at least for me. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. However, I know there still is unknown strength within me still yet to be found. When I hear others say how much they admire me for how strong of a person I am I always tell them I am not strong. But if others see me that way they see me that way.
I thank God for this gift of writing and the ability to share it with others.