Today is a day of utter loneliness. I can’t explain it. All I want to do is just sit here and cry. I'm at home all alone. I really don’t feel like talking to anyone, yet I wish someone was here. Keith is at work. Those that I do call are either not answering their phones or they're out and about running errands. I know it's not anyone’s job to keep me company or help me to feel better. I just wish I didn't feel so lonely. The loneliness goes clear to the very bottom of my heart, the depths of my … [Read more...]
Today has been a day
Today has been a good day. I can honestly say I don't have many of those. It seems like they only come now and again any more. Nothing overly exciting happened but nothing sad happened either. To me, that's what makes it a good day. I believe I told everyone earlier that I joined Facebook at the end of November. Considering everything that has happened in my life, especially in the last year, it is good to find the little things that can bring a smile to your face (even if others don’t like … [Read more...]
Today is 8 months
It amazes me how one can mess up time when one does not want time to move forward anyways. Last month I thought Mari had been gone eight months. I even wrote about it. Then when it was getting closer to this month mark of her being gone, I started to think about it. There should only be three months until she has been gone for one year, but when I started to count there were 4 months. The math just did not add up. So last month she'd actually only been gone for seven months. Why does it feel … [Read more...]
Music of the Heart
I was not sure if I could handle going back to church this morning. I have tried two times since Mari passed. Each time I could not make it through. I sit here writing this as those around me are singing. Singing was one of the things I used to love to do in church. It meant so much to me and I put my heart and soul into it. I just can’t seem to do that. Singing has always meant so much to me. In my high school youth group is where I was introduced to contemporary Christian songs. I am so … [Read more...]
Mari’s Crayons
I sit here in church today just hoping I will make it through. I found Mari’s crayons she used to color with in my Bible bag this morning. The bag was on the very top shelf of our bedroom closet. Just imagine, it was as if there were dust atop the bag as it had been up on that shelf since we moved into our home in September. I went through the bag just to make sure of what was in there. There they sat; her crayons. When we used to go to church with Mari in tow, this is partly how we could keep … [Read more...]
8 Months Have Come and Gone
I sit here contemplating what my life is going to be like without Mariana. It has been 8 months since she passed. Then you are probably thinking, “Well, if it has been 8 months, shouldn’t she already know?” I can tell you first hand that I still don’t know. Eight months ago tomorrow my daughter was still here with us. Eight and half months ago she was still singing, and dancing, and being the bright and shining star we all know and love. Yet now that star is not shining and bright. It has been … [Read more...]
Can Two People Really Grieve That Differently?
How can two people who love each other so much grieve in such utterly different ways. I don’t think there is a person on the planet who doesn’t know that men are different than women. This is why the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus was written and the game was created. It is to try to help all of us understand the opposite sex. Personally, I have never read the book but I can just imagine what it says. Tonight I went outside to gather up more firewood from our backyard. I started … [Read more...]
Posting Comments and To Those Who Care
I sit here just thinking about our beautiful little Mari and how much I miss her. My dog Cody is by my feet playing with my cat Bandit. He is growling while the cat is hissing (believe it or not they are actually playing and DO like each other). While I sit here listening to them I just think of Mari. I think of how much I miss her and wish she was here beside me so I could hear her playing instead of my animals. I went on Otrib.com today just to see if anyone had responded to her dedication … [Read more...]
Remembering Mari, how sweet it really is!!
I sit here today actually feeling ok for the moment. It seems like most days are either ok or they are just sad and lonely. I was sitting here in my house yesterday and feeling utterly lonely. I was looking at Mari’s photos up on my mantel for her dedication wall. I sat here on my couch taking a break from my new website I have been trying to get up and running and was just looking. I thought about how it feels like just yesterday she was here. It feels like sometimes that she should be … [Read more...]
Suddenly and Out of the Blue, It Hits You
Tonight happens to be a hard night for me. It just literally came out the blue. Today seemed to be going fine. I have been working on my new website I hope to have up and running within the next month. I was watching my third movie for the day. All of the movies I watched today have been all happy, feel good movies. Keith and I were having a DiGiorno Garlic Bread Pepperoni pizza. I had just taken it out of the oven. And then I started thinking about when we lived in the house just previous … [Read more...]
