We are now approaching eleven months that Mari's been gone. June 16 will be exactly eleven months. Whether we want it to or not, time just continues to carry on. I was going through this site a little while ago and realized that I'd not posted anything new since Mother's day. It's been hard this last month and I know as the day approaches the one year mark it'll continue to get harder. Then I was reading the comment that someone wrote anonymously. What the person said was basically that I … [Read more...]
Mother’s Day is Here
It's officially Mother’s Day. A day of celebrating our mother’s or to be celebrated by our children. Today should be a day of utter happiness and excitement. To be remembered for just being the women who are loved by those around us. If Mari was here today she wouldn't even understand what today was. Keith would be the one to go and get me a gift and say it was from our little girl. She'd just be her normal, everyday self not realizing that it’s a day to celebrate me. A day to say, “I … [Read more...]
It’s coming…
I have really tried not to think about it. Yet it's coming. I don’t want it to come. Yet friends keep reminding me. I wish it'd just go away. Yet I receive a letter in the mail to say I'm being thought about during it. MOTHER’S DAY!! Mother’s Day is coming whether I want it to or not. It's supposed to be a time of celebration for being a mother. Our Mothers, Grandmothers, Great-Grandmothers, and sometimes even Great-Great-Grandmothers are all remembered this day and celebrated as the ones … [Read more...]
Shopping…
Keith and I were sitting here discussing how there's hardly any food in the house. I don’t do the grocery shopping like I used to any more. It’s typically just me at home in the house most of the time. Keith is at work ridiculously long hours Monday through Friday, and then sometimes even on Saturday, especially right now that he's acting first sergeant of his company while his first sergeant is off at first sergeant school. So, my line of thinking is why do we need that much food in the house … [Read more...]
Pictures…
Today I sit here thinking about my wonderful husband. He's been my rock through all of this. He's been the one to help get me through. Keith has been my everything and I'm sure he will continue to be for many years to come. Today has been a good day for me. I haven't cried and I haven't felt as sad as I normally am. This is a good thing. The two paragraphs above were written yesterday. Pictures. All of a sudden I'm sitting here thinking about pictures. I started to think about them … [Read more...]
“Held”…
I typically sit in my house during the day by myself, with no TV on or a radio playing in the background. It's just quiet (other than my puppy and kitty playing). But today I decided to open Windows Media Center and play some of my songs. Then I got to thinking about Natalie Grant's song. My cousin Tracey had sent me her CD Awaken about two months after Mari had died and the song "Held" struck me right to the heart. These are the words, and to hear the song is even more powerful. I just thought … [Read more...]
How am I supposed to live my life without her?
How am I supposed to live my life without her? How am I supposed to? I sit here in complete confusion as to how to do this. Nothing makes sense anymore. I don’t understand. I just simply don’t understand. Mari is gone and yet I'm still here. Mari is gone and yet I'm just supposed to move on with my life. But Mari is gone. There isn't an instruction manual on how to move on with your life once your one and only child is gone from it. I just don’t know how. I wish there was some tried and true … [Read more...]
Sitting in class…
Tonight I sit here in my creative writing nonfiction class and I 'm having such a hard time concentrating. I wish I'd stayed home instead of coming to class. I feel bad because I wasn't as prepared as I'd normally have been. I had only fully read one of the two stories. I had only read about the first third of the second story and about the last third. I briefly skimmed through the middle section. I felt totally unprepared when it came to the quiz tonight. He asked three questions from each … [Read more...]
Missing her…
I miss Mari so much today. I'm not even sure why. I talked with an old family friend I've known since I was probably about four or five years old today. She lost a son a couple of years ago so she knows what it's like to lose a child. She's a good person to talk to. For some reason I keep thinking back to the Saturday, the day after her cerebral hemorrhage and cardiac arrest, and when the PICU attending told us it was the worst CT scan she'd ever seen. How that day it felt like my world … [Read more...]
Comments and Feedback
A friend of mine told me she comes to this website everyday to see what I have posted and is disappointed when there isn't anything. I am going to try something new. I want to try to post at least one thing a day just to let you all know how I am doing. Sometimes I will just tell you how my day went and other times I will write out something like I usually post. I hope everyone will like this. Please keep your comments coming as I love to hear feedback from those who care about me, Mari and … [Read more...]