You know, I can sit here all month long and seem to be just fine. Then the 15th comes and something just seems to be plain flat off. I can't seem to put my finger on it but it's just off. Then at some point during the day (or night) I realize the next day is the 16th. Yesterday that happened to me again. The last two or three months I've been doing that. I can't seem to figure out why I can't focus and then I realize the 16th is the next day, which is now today. Mari has been gone exactly … [Read more...]
Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving is a day where families and loved ones come together to spend time with one another. It’s a day I don't look forward to. I used to love this time of year. When anyone first arrives, everyone wishes them a Happy Thanksgiving. Most are genuine while some it’s just what you are supposed to say this day. Like last year, I will nod my head in acknowledgement but I won’t say it back. I feel that saying “it” would be ingenue on my part and why say something you really don’t mean. Please … [Read more...]
T’was the Night Before Our Lives Changed
T’was the night before our lives changed, forever in our house, No one could have known, not even a mouse. For our hopes hung in the balance with all human care, In the hopes that our prayers would be answered right there. The people who loved her went off to their beds, While they laid there and slept or prayed in their heads. And daddy had his hope, and mommy had her fears, Because the next morning might bring about our tears. We arose the next morning to hear so much clatter, As … [Read more...]
The Unexpected Journey
The sudden darkness that hit her was like an overwhelming force of nature and seemed to envelope her all at once. Suddenly off in the distance there appeared what looked like a speck of light. It drew her in as if calling her by name saying, “Ariella, follow the light. It will guide you on your new path.” So she did. As she went, she soared through the air like a majestic eagle. The light grew bright and more vivid as she drew near. It started to reveal what looked like a giant white door … [Read more...]
Mariana: A Personality Exuded
Mariana is my eight-and-a-half-year-old little angel who may be as misunderstood as how her name is pronounced. Her name is not Mary-anne-a but instead Mari‑ē‑awe‑na. For short, everyone calls her Mari. She may have a shortened nickname, but she is anything but short on personality. She can walk into a room and bring life to a stagnant crowd. The energy she exudes brings those around her back to a child like state. I often say, “If we could bottle up all her energy we might be able to light … [Read more...]
Justing Sitting Here…
As I sit here, I am readily thinking of Mari this morning. I sit here with a smile on my face at how that little angel could uplift the lives of so many while at the same time I have a dog at my feet just whining to get up on my lap and have some attention. It amazes me sometimes at how much my life has now changed from over a year ago. I was a stay at home mom taking care of a severely autistic child. My life was almost all-consuming with making sure Mari was watched almost all the time as … [Read more...]
Thinking about Mari
I was sitting here tonight thinking about Mari. Keith and I went to a new grief support group specifically for parents who have lost a child they were still raising, so the child they lost were under eighteen for the most part. It was nice to go to a group that for the first time truly understood what it was like to lose a child well before their time. Most of the children seemed to have died from a disease like cancer or a sudden death. Mari’s is still hard for me to classify as it wasn't … [Read more...]
Time Keeps on Treking
It seems as though time continues to trek on. Time is a never-ending cycle of both grief and happiness all rolled into one. A little over a year ago I lost the one thing most precious to me and that was my baby girl, Mariana. Mari is always thought about and missed. For anyone who was fortunate enough to meet her their lives were forever imprinted and changed to have known her. She had such a special spirit about her. She had an infectious laugh where sometimes she would just start laughing … [Read more...]
When We Think of 4th of July
When we think of 4th of July, we think of celebrations and get togethers. Get togethers with family. Get togethers with friends. Get togethers with co-workers. Get togethers with strangers. It's a time of celebrations and fun. A time to enjoy each others company. A time to reminisce with those you haven't seen in a while. A time to enjoy the fireworks and festivities. A time to enjoy parades. A time to enjoy the children’s faces light up over seeing the fireworks show or writing … [Read more...]
A Mother’s Love Never Fades
Life’s been a fog, a fuzzy, sad haze As one year has come, a moment we dread What in life can bring so much sadness With lots of tears and feeling so empty It’s a mother’s love and the loss of her child The one that she bore and then buried 8 short years later When her child was born, she had so much hope Her child became part of her everything, making her life finally complete Yet the child had autism, which changes her hopes and dreams They included so many things, but a mother’s … [Read more...]