Mari's kisses were special. She wasn't one to just give them freely. When she did, it meant more than most because of the significance of her comprehending what a kiss was: a form of endearment. She could communicate her feelings or emotions like so many of us can today. Her autism simply didn't allow it. However, over time she slowly came out of her shell. No, not like a typical person, but different than she once was. I loved giving her a kiss goodbye or a kiss good night when we were tucking … [Read more...]
Day 146: The Sliver of Ice
As writers, we tend to write about what we know. We take things that happen in our own lives and somehow use them in what we write. for myself, this is true in that I'm able to take all of the good and the sad, tragic, hurtful or a combo of them and use them to develop my writing that much further. When I was writing Mari's memoir, I took the very updates I wrote when she was alive and I have used those as my notes for her memoir. When those were written, they were fresh. Many of my memories … [Read more...]
KLove on the brain…
It seems the last few things I've written have been because of KLove being in the background here recently. It's good to have uplifting songs playing. Last night a song came on that I've heard before, but for some reason the words really struck me this time. The song begins like this: To everyone who's lost someone they love Long before it was their time You feel like the days you had were not enough when you said goodbye How many times have I heard, or thought to myself for that matter, … [Read more...]
H is for heal
Because losing Mari has been the hardest thing I've ever been through but with time my wounded heart has slowly begun to heal. When someone said that losing a child is the hardest thing anyone would have to deal with, that couldn't be more of an understatement. Mari died four and a half years ago and sometimes it still feels like yesterday. The pain can be so raw that I sob. The tears pour from my eyes. Even though four and a half years may seem like a while, it really isn't. I know that … [Read more...]
19 Years Today
It's hard to believe that nineteen years ago today my husband, Keith, and I went to the justice of the peace with our friends Tina Davis, Michael Brooks and his wife Courtney. They watched us as we took our vows and became husband and wife that day. The last nineteen years have been fraught with ups, down and one tragedy. Most marriages would have ended by now, probably ten times over. But each and every time we have persevered through it all. Do I or Keith take credit for this? No. It is … [Read more...]
The Tears of Mother’s Day
I sit here in my comfy cozy recliner at about 1am. I sit here thinking about Mari and knowing that when I wake up in the morning it is Mother’s Day. I have dreaded it all week. All it does for me know is remind me that I am a mom without her child on this earth any longer. I feel childless. I dread going to church tomorrow morning because all they will do there is wish all the mother’s a Happy Mother’s Day. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I think it is an important day. However, it will … [Read more...]
Missing Her…
I sit here thinking about my beloved angel today and how much she is missed. I was looking at one of her pictures up on the wall and at how truly beautiful she was at just 5. Then I started to look at some of her other pictures. This got me to thinking about what she would have looked like once she was an adult. I think she would have been one of those adults that when people looked at her they would have thought she had such natural beauty. Unfortunately, we will never get to know. All we … [Read more...]
Women’s Retreat second entry
I sit here really missing Mari tonight. I brought with me to the women’s retreat her photo album of her last day, I just sat here going through it. I was not really sure if I should bring it or not but was glad I did. Reading that story tonight about that woman who lost her baby brought up all the memories of her last day. I sat here crying as I went through it. I miss her so much and love her so much. I look at those pictures and it brings me right back to that very day. It is still … [Read more...]
Justin Bieber
December 22 Today ended up starting as a good day. I felt good about it. I went to work like I normally do. I was putting away my freight and I had these Justin Bieber backpacks I was putting out. As I am putting them out I start to think of my dearest friend Shelly’s daughter Lexi. Shelly tells me how much Lexi loves Justin Bieber. Then I got to thinking about how Mari would be the same age as Lexi. Not that Mari would have ever gotten into Just Bieber or anything. It’s just the … [Read more...]
Tangible Things
The only thing tangible left are pictures (and a couple of videos) taken of Mari from the time she was born until the day she died (literally). We have them of her while she was in the hospital when she was first born and we have them of her in the hospital when she was dying. It’s almost like it represents the cycle of life everyone goes through. We all are born and we all must die someday when our time is up on this earth. But with Mari, her time just seemed so short. It seems like that … [Read more...]
