I sit here just thinking about our beautiful little Mari and how much I miss her. My dog Cody is by my feet playing with my cat Bandit. He is growling while the cat is hissing (believe it or not they are actually playing and DO like each other). While I sit here listening to them I just think of Mari. I think of how much I miss her and wish she was here beside me so I could hear her playing instead of my animals.

I went on Otrib.com today just to see if anyone had responded to her dedication I have on that site. There was not just one comment that had been left for me to approve; there were a total of five. Some were long and some were short; some had been left a few weeks ago and some were more recent. They all mean so much to me. I want everyone who reads my site to know that if you post a comment, I may not get to it right away but know that I read them ALL. I appreciate them ALL. They mean more to me than words could ever express.  I try to personally respond to each comment left.  But even if I don’t, know it has been read.

I decided to join Facebook back on November 30. It is something I had put off because I was simply not interested. I thought it was going to be stupid. Then when I decided to start my blog dedicated to Mari, I saw there was a way to have my posts uploaded onto Facebook. I thought, “Why not try it out.” So I signed up and have been addicted ever since.

I was so excited because I was able to reconnect with so many of my friends from my high school and my high school youth group. I left Sacramento on March 30, 1993 to go active duty in the Army when I was 19 years old. I was stationed at Ft. Hood, Texas and I have not lived back in California since. I met my husband in June, 1993 and we were married on February 18, 1994. When we both got off of active duty, we came back to Illinois where he is from and have been here ever since. Keith has been back on active duty for the last 7 ½ years here in Illinois recruiting for the Army.

Joining Facebook when I did really was something very special. It has become something that was needed in my life as I have been so lonely and missing Mari so much. Some of the comments I have received have been so special and more than I could ever have imagined or hoped for. I appreciate everyone who has been there for Keith and I and continuing to be there for us as each day goes by.

For those of you who are wondering what I am doing now, I decided to go back to school last semester. I started off with four classes but ultimately ended up dropping two of them because it was just too much for me at the time. This semester I am taking three classes. Two are gen ed requirements and one is just for myself. The two gen ed requirements are General Education Biology (oh fun!!! LOL) and Honors American Literature II. I am already finished with my third week as of today (it amazes me how quickly time is going by). Biology is going ok and I am really enjoying myself in my American Lit class (believe it or not). There is a lot of reading but that is ok. The classes are interesting which makes it a lot easier to want to attend each day.

The other class I am taking is Creative Writing: Non-Fiction. When I had decided to take this class at the end of last term I had no idea it was going to be a non-fiction creative writing class. I just thought it was going to be a creative writing class writing about anything you wanted from poetry, to fiction, to non-fiction. I was actually pleasantly surprised to find this out. I will be able to learn a lot in this class. I think that it will help me to better improve what I have been writing and then help me to write my book about Mari and her life.

I have been told, it seems, by more and more people they think I am a good writer. I want to say thank you to anyone who believes this or who has told me this. I can honestly say that I do not think of myself as a “writer” but just as someone who writes down her thoughts and her feelings and then shares it with those around her. I appreciate all feedback anyone has to say about what I have written.

My sincerest hope is that when I write something and then share it with those around me that it can help you or others to understand me just a little bit better. It can help you to see through my eyes what it has been like to have lost Mari and to have lost your only child. I know that no matter what I say or what I do that unless you have lost a child there is no way to truly ever understand what it is like to have lost one. However, I think it will help those who have read or will read what I have written to better understand me and the loss of not only a child but your only child. I also hope that it can be healing for those around me and to help all of us get through this incredibly hard time.