These days it seems harder to write yet I miss Mari more and more.  I have been having a really hard time as of late just really, desperately missing her wishing so badly that she was still here.  Yet at the same time, if she was, I would be dreading the years to come as puberty would be approaching.

To be a parent of a child with autism, it is like no other.  A child with special needs is so different than parenting a child without.  Your life is all consuming around this child.  She was all that happened in my life for a very long time.  A quarter of my life had Mari in it.  Getting a job wasn’t really an option as daycares actually rejected her.  Trying to do activities outside the home was almost impossible sometimes.  You just never knew what might happen or what she might do.

It just was not easy.  My life with her in it was not easy.  I felt like I almost did not have a life.  Yet now that she is gone, it would seem my life was becoming easier.  And in some ways it has.  But it really hasn’t as I am miserable.  I am lonely.  I miss her so much.  Is it better to have your freedom but be so miserable you can’t truly enjoy it or is it better to have your life a chaotic mess but be happy?  I think the later is the way to go.

I would have hoped that after two plus years have gone by that it would have gotten easier somehow but it hasn’t.  It really hasn’t.  Yes, the initial pain you have when the loss first happens is not as acute now but the pain is oh so much there.  It never goes away no matter how much you wish it would, it just doesn’t get any easier.  The pain is always there and I miss her ever so much.

I am so very tired of feeling this way and feeling so lonely.  All I can hope for is that someday it might just get a little easier.  Not really sure if it ever will but it would be nice if it would.