Have you ever wondered if something really existed or was it just in your mind? Something that seemed to be so real but then one day you wake up and it’s like it never was? That’s how I kind of feel sometimes. My new computer has Windows 7 and one of the new features with this operating system is how you can set up your computer’s desktop. I decided to have mine kind of like a slideshow. A new picture gets displayed every ten minutes. All of the ones I have chosen are of Mari. Well, … [Read more...]
Talking from the heart…
Today I sit here thinking about how life can turn out so differently than you could have expected. Keith and I went to church this morning like we have started to do on a more regular basis since the Sunday before Thanksgiving. We decided to just try Sunday School since I haven't been able to handle going to church service at that point. That very first Sunday going to our brand new class I broke down and told everyone about Mari. It's the Sunday before Thanksgiving so you can imagine what … [Read more...]
The days, months, and years to come
I sit here wondering what life has in store for me in the days, months, and years to come. Just two years ago at this same time, I knew Keith, my husband, and I had a life of taking care of a severely autistic child that within the next few years would more than likely have to be put into some kind of home for her own safety. She was getting harder and harder to take care of and she kept escaping out of our house. We knew we didn't want to do this but we knew that the way things were going we … [Read more...]
To Feel Lucky…
What happens after sixteen years of marriage? Is it still wedded bliss or is it a nightmare you can't wait to get out of? Well if you're lucky, it'll be as close to wedded bliss as the two of you can be. What I mean by wedded bliss is not that when you first start going out and everything feels so fresh and new and you just feel so owey goowey with each other or even that first year of marriage where you can tell the couple is newlyweds. I'm talking about how after sixteen years of marriage … [Read more...]
16 Years of Wedded Bliss, Could Anyone Ask For Anything More
It's been interesting how this past week has gone for me. I started to get really sick towards the end of the Super Bowl on Sunday. The rest of the week I guess can be best explained as feeling just BLAH. I feel like I'm finally on the mend. During this time I've implanted myself up on my couch all week. Then I decided to move all of Mari’s website to a new provider. My hope is that I'll be able to get better exposure to get Mari’s memory out there better. I want her to live on in all … [Read more...]
Contemplating Christmas
T'is the season of joy, happiness & love, or at least that is how it used to be. Last year, what would've been our first Christmas without Mari, we got to escape and go to Hawaii. I didn't have to deal with the glaring reality of her not being here. Now this year has come. It's technically our second Christmas season. But the reality is so different. This is like it's our first one without her instead. It feels like ever since Thanksgiving Day I've been just getting by. Almost like … [Read more...]
Bad Days They Come and Go
You know, I can sit here all month long and seem to be just fine. Then the 15th comes and something just seems to be plain flat off. I can't seem to put my finger on it but it's just off. Then at some point during the day (or night) I realize the next day is the 16th. Yesterday that happened to me again. The last two or three months I've been doing that. I can't seem to figure out why I can't focus and then I realize the 16th is the next day, which is now today. Mari has been gone exactly … [Read more...]
Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving is a day where families and loved ones come together to spend time with one another. It’s a day I don't look forward to. I used to love this time of year. When anyone first arrives, everyone wishes them a Happy Thanksgiving. Most are genuine while some it’s just what you are supposed to say this day. Like last year, I will nod my head in acknowledgement but I won’t say it back. I feel that saying “it” would be ingenue on my part and why say something you really don’t mean. Please … [Read more...]
Thinking about Mari
I was sitting here tonight thinking about Mari. Keith and I went to a new grief support group specifically for parents who have lost a child they were still raising, so the child they lost were under eighteen for the most part. It was nice to go to a group that for the first time truly understood what it was like to lose a child well before their time. Most of the children seemed to have died from a disease like cancer or a sudden death. Mari’s is still hard for me to classify as it wasn't … [Read more...]
Time Keeps on Treking
It seems as though time continues to trek on. Time is a never-ending cycle of both grief and happiness all rolled into one. A little over a year ago I lost the one thing most precious to me and that was my baby girl, Mariana. Mari is always thought about and missed. For anyone who was fortunate enough to meet her their lives were forever imprinted and changed to have known her. She had such a special spirit about her. She had an infectious laugh where sometimes she would just start laughing … [Read more...]
