I sit here really missing Mari tonight. I brought with me to the women’s retreat her photo album of her last day, I just sat here going through it. I was not really sure if I should bring it or not but was glad I did. Reading that story tonight about that woman who lost her baby brought up all the memories of her last day. I sat here crying as I went through it. I miss her so much and love her so much. I look at those pictures and it brings me right back to that very day. It is still dumbfounding sometimes that all of that happened with her and now she sits in heaven. Even after two and half years it still makes absolutely no sense. I wish I could understand it.
I was just downstairs for our first session this evening. We watched a video. It was good but it was very hard for me to stay awake. I am quite exhausted from the trip today. I am hoping the second part will be better for me as the woman speaking in it was quite good.
I know I need to get into the Bible more than I do right now. I need to find a study partner or something. It is hard to do that right now with my work schedule. I never have the same days off each week. I cannot wait until my interim security clearance comes through as I will be able to quit my current job at Wal-Mart. I just wish I knew when that would be. I guess only God knows and he also knows when the right time will be as well. It is just hard to be patient. I know it is all in God’s time and not my own.
Well, it has been an interesting night. We listened to this song that was about the woman’s loss from above. I couldn’t make it through the song and had a breakdown. I had to come upstairs to get away. I started to sob uncontrollably and just could not stop. I was crying so hard that I sent myself into an asthma attack. I just do not understand what is wrong with me sometimes. I feel like I should be over this already.
Then in our little group breakout session, there were four other women in my group. I sat there for the longest time and basically said nothing. I tried to just stay numb. As soon as I said anything important I just could not hold it in anymore AGAIN. I sobbingly cried again. These women were wonderful and made me feel special. However, I feel so weak and vulnerable showing these brand new women this side of me. I hardly show this side to anyone. I mean I can talk about Mari and that she died but to really get into her loss and how hard it really is is something very personal. It is hard to explain but I do not feel comfortable doing this with people I just met today. However, they were sweethearts and wonderful about everything. I know only God knows what will come of all of this and why he has me here this weekend but I am sure it will show its head very soon.
I sit here thinking about what the world has in store for me today. For me, I hope it is not a day like yesterday all filled with tears, tears and more tears (it seemed anyway). I just want to enjoy myself today. I am looking forward to getting to know some of the other women. I guess deep down inside I hope I do come out with some friends. I know some are saying they want to be my friend but once we leave here we will see if that really happens.
I have always had a hard time making those honest to goodness true friends. I am talking about people whom you trust in all things (or almost all things). In other words, people I can talk to just about anything I need or want to. People who are truly there for me when it is the hardest. People who will not tell me that their own problems are just too much in a situation like the death of my daughter. People who realize that sometimes even if your life may not be going perfectly that you need to realize that, me, your friend needs you to just simply be there for me in my worst.
One of my very dearest friends before Mari had been so important to me that even through her divorce and when she moved away, I was always there for her. I was always very honest with her. She was like a sister to me. I loved her so much. Then my daughter passes away and I do not receive one call unless I called her first and then I would get a call back. I didn’t even get a card. When I finally wrote her a message on a social network her response to me is that she had this and this and this going on in her life. So basically she just did not have the time of day to just be there for me. For me, this person just ended up being so incredibly selfish as I really needed her. What I realized is that our friendship was really more of a one way street instead of two. I guess God was showing me during that worst time in my life whom were really my friends and those that had just been pretending to be. To be honest, it hurts even after all this time. I still think about this woman and wish she was my friend now. It is just sad how you learn sometimes when a “friend” really isn’t a friend and probably could never truly be the friend you were hoping for or needing.
Well, I sit here getting ready to eat some breakfast and getting ready for another day. I hope I learn a lot and that God puts on my heart what he wants me to learn and take from the little retreat away in the either Smoky Mountains or Cumberland Gap.
It has been a good weekend overall. A lot of tears but it is good to get them out. We all leave tomorrow to head back home. I got to get to know some pretty great people while here. My sincerest hope is that this will continue once we get back home.
Well, it is late so I am signing off for now.