In a month, Mari will have been gone for four years. I have talked several times over the last four years in how the day she died is not an anniversary as this signifies happiness to me. My eighteen year wedding anniversary was this past February. That is a happy time. Mari’s death, anything but. However, I have come to call it the mark.
When Mari died I became wrapped up in the utter sorrow and sadness of it all. My heart felt like it had been ripped open and a gaping would left in its place. The hurt was so acute that my chest literally hurt. I couldn’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. Just blackness enveloped, consumed, me.
As time continued on, I started to see that ever small light. It grew at a snail’s pace but it did grow until one day the light over took almost all of the darkness. There will always be a tiny bit of the darkness there as I will always miss Mari and wish she were still here on this earth. However, her death no longer consumes my every waking thought. It has its moments where I am brought back to thinking about everything. And in these times I might have a good cry or I just sit and think about my beloved angel whom I miss so much.
I was writing to someone this very early morning over a terrible situation that has occurred in one man’s life. I’m not sure I am at liberty to say everything that has happened. Just know that he has lost a little one and my heart immediately went out to him. I even gave the person who passed on the information for us to pray about my phone number so if this man needs someone to talk to who understands exactly what he is going through, I want to be able to just listen if he needs it.
I feel for this man as the road he is now traveling on will be a long one as the journey begins. He is fortunate as I have been in that we are both believers. This is what gave me the strength I needed to continue living each day as I am sure it will do the same for this man.
It was through this situation as the emails came in for prayer that I realized something. Over time a softening has occurred. My sadden heart has softened to where I can see the positives in the tragedy that betook me those four years ago. I think about this and it brings a slight smile to my face.
I think it is obvious that I will always miss my daughter and I will continue to wish she were still here with us. However, I will be okay. I know God’s plan is huge and I have played a teeny tiny part in that plan. But think about it. Playing any part in God’s plan is special. I mean, He could have left me out of it all together yet he allowed me to be in it. You just can’t get much better than that.
So I thank the Lord for softening me over the last four years to give me the hope, love and understanding I needed to be where I am today. To be in a place that I can now help and just listen to someone else who is just now starting this journey we had hoped to never travel.