I sit here today actually feeling ok for the moment. It seems like most days are either ok or they are just sad and lonely.
I was sitting here in my house yesterday and feeling utterly lonely. I was looking at Mari’s photos up on my mantel for her dedication wall. I sat here on my couch taking a break from my new website I have been trying to get up and running and was just looking. I thought about how it feels like just yesterday she was here. It feels like sometimes that she should be FLYING around the corner with her Backyardigans stuffed animals, and don’t forget the book, and sitting in what she considered to be “her” chair (which really is mommy and daddy’s very comfortable reclining chair in the living room). She would also bring along her favorite blanket. And then she would just sit there entertaining herself for hours. Sometimes to just watch her could put a smile on your face. And if you try to move her, give her some time and she will be right back where she started. She had such a stubborn streak about her. It seemed it was like we were at Burger King all the time because it had to me “Mari’s Way” or you definitely heard about it.
I look at her pictures now and I can still see her. If I start to think about her too much I then start to cry and sometimes (it seems like a lot of times) it turns into sobbing.
I talked to my grandpa the other day. He is a person you would never have considered to be a very emotional person, another words he definitely did not carry his emotions on his sleeve. Over 60 years ago he and my granny had a 10 day old baby they lost. I asked him how long it took him before he was able to start living life somewhat normally again. He said it had been at least a year and a half. He said that he and my granny would just sit there and cry sometimes. He also said that you will never fully get over the loss of a child as it will stay with you for the rest of your life.
I started a new semester in college. I am taking three classes; one of which is a nonfiction creative writing class. I think it will be good for me. My first assignment is to write out my life story in just two to three pages. Well, I sat down the other day, took about 40 minutes and came up with six. It’s Hard to condense a WHOLE life of chaos and confusion into less than three pages. What I wrote is very graphic and could not be posted on here as there are people I love that it may hurt. But what is good about writing it is it felt very therapeutic for me.
Mari’s memory I know will go on for years to come but it’s through all of those who knew her at all as to how she goes on living now and each day forward.