The loneliness I feel is like nothing else I have ever experience in my life. It does not matter what I do or who I talk to it is always there. There are times when I can keep myself busy enough not to have to think about the true loneliness I feel but it always comes back.
I sit here in my house all alone. I have my puppy sitting on my lap because he does not like to be alone. I have my kitten at my feet because he does not like to be alone. I am glad I have them because they at least keep me company. But they are not exactly the best conversationalists.
I have friends I could call or even family members but I just don’t like to talk on the phone anymore like I used to. What am I supposed to talk about? Am I supposed to pretend that life is all honky dory and to just go on living my life as before? That is just impossible to do. Quite frankly no one really treats me the same. No one really knows what to say. It seems like the first question out of anyone’s mouth is always, “How are you?” or “How have you been?” I feel like telling them, “How do you THINK I am?” but I don’t. My standard answer is almost always, “Just dandy.” I know that the only reason why they ask is that they truly care and are just concerned about me. I love everyone for their concern as well. It is just so painful to be here without Mari.
A few days ago I got up and walked down our hallway to walk to the bathroom to get ready for bed. As I am walking down the hallway I started to ask Keith, “Have you put Mari” and then I stop in mid-sentence and finished it in my head “to bed yet?” I could not believe what I was asking. I don’t even think Keith heard me. He and I have asked each other that for years almost every night. I know that she is gone but it seems like such a habit still. Like how am I not supposed to ask that because she is still supposed to be here? Then the innate loneliness kicks in again because she is gone.
To know she is gone brings such sadness to my heart. No one can truly describe this hole in the bottom of my stomach. No one can understand the hole that has now appeared in my heart. It is just there. It will never go away. There are no words to help. There are no actions that can be done. It is the way it is and will never be the same again. We can never go back no matter how much we hope or we pray. She is just gone. If you can just imagine how utterly hopeless and lonely one can feel know this.
To have her back is just a dream. To not have her here is just a living nightmare every single day.
I sit here looking at our puppy and kitty play together. They are just so oblivious to anything that goes on around them. They seem to never be lonely. But what is amazing is that the puppy plays for a little while by himself and then comes to my feet and starts to wine because it wants to be picked up and cuddle. I think he must feel lonely and just needs that cuddle time. The kitty will jump up and put himself right up on my chest below my head and just nuzzles in. He does not like to be by himself either once he is done playing. To watch them is to know somewhat the truly loneliness I feel. But it is so different because it just goes so much deeper for me.
I try to keep myself busy with lots of different things. I will sit here and watch a movie. I will do either my statistics or American music homework and study. I will talk briefly on the phone. I will go shopping. I will write my thoughts down. I will workout. But they are all short lived and then I am where I started off, just being by myself and feeling lonely all over again.
Ultimately feeling lonely almost always brings me back to thinking about Mari. I miss her so. Mari has been and will continue to always be that light in my life. I live for each and every day I am still here on this earth. One day we will be reunited and I will finally no longer be lonely.
I love you MarMar with all my heart.