For most of you, you probably don’t remember exactly when she died, you just remember she did. And believe it or not that is completely understandable. But for me it is always in the forefront of my mind. I am always thinking about it. Sometimes more often than most and especially this time of year.
We went out to one of Keith’s coworker’s house on the 3rd. I really have not had any bad days in a while and even that day was ok. But when you meet a bunch of new people, you always want to tell each other about your kids and things like that. Obviously with as long as Keith and I have been married, we should have kids by now; unless we just decided to not have any. I always want to talk about Mari. I want to tell everyone about her. But at the same time the inevitable happens and you also need to tell them that she died.
Well, everyone, of course, becomes curious as to what happen. I know I would be. It’s just human nature. So depending on my mood, I either tell a quick version or I go really in-depth or something in-between.
At first I just did not feel like telling the story. So, I gave the business card with this website on it and told them where to go to read what happened. Then later that day, I ended up telling them the whole thing. I tried to keep the crying under control to the best of my ability and only cried once which is pretty good for me :(.
Then yesterday came about. It is 4th of July. Keith wanted to go on post and watch the fireworks show that night. To be honest, I really was not looking forward to it. I kept thinking all day at how the last time we actually watched a fireworks show was one the last days Mari was still herself. She could still talk. She could still pick out the movie she wanted to watch. She could still fight us as she did not want to be poked and prodded. She was still just here being Mari even as sick as she was at that point. Keith and I sat in Mari’s hospital room just four years ago and watched the fireworks show from her hospital room window. I remember thinking that hopefully we will be home in the next few days and everything will go back to normal. But it never did.
Keith told me about 6pm last night that we needed to go in the about an hour and half and I just lost it :((. I told him I don’t want to go. It is the last time where Mari was still ok and herself and I just started to sobbed. The rest of the night was on and off tears and being incontrollable with my crying. I guess all of this is to be expected. July 16th will be two years and yet, in some ways, it feels like it was just yesterday.
So I say again, “July Sucks!” And now you know why.
I really look forward to you feedback. Please let me know what you think or how you are feeling. Please tell me of some memories you have of Mari or just a memory you have that is special. I look forward to your comments and feedback.
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