Kristena Tunstall

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Kristena Tunstall > Holidays > 4th of July > July Sucks!

Posted on July 5, 2010 By Mommy's Angel in Heaven

July Sucks!

You might be asking, “But why does July suck?” I mean, after all, July has so many good things about it right? Like the 4th of July and celebrating our nation’s birthday. The fireworks you can either do together with family, friends and acquaintances or to go see one of those big fireworks shows that the cities or military installations put on for us. It’s summertime. It’s warm. People are going on vacations. Everyone seems to be having fun (or at least trying to ;;) ). There are places to go and people to see. And to be honest, all of this is great. However, all July brings for me is pain. I mean I don’t even get one day in the month where something is not bringing about the pain. So why do I say all of this? Because starting July 1st just two years ago Mari got sick with diarrhea. We went through the whirlwind of ups and downs over the next two weeks two days and she was gone by July 16th. Her wake was on July 21st and her funeral was on July 22nd. The entire month really is nothing but a blur.

For most of you, you probably don’t remember exactly when she died, you just remember she did. And believe it or not that is completely understandable. But for me it is always in the forefront of my mind. I am always thinking about it. Sometimes more often than most and especially this time of year.

We went out to one of Keith’s coworker’s house on the 3rd. I really have not had any bad days in a while and even that day was ok. But when you meet a bunch of new people, you always want to tell each other about your kids and things like that. Obviously with as long as Keith and I have been married, we should have kids by now; unless we just decided to not have any. I always want to talk about Mari. I want to tell everyone about her. But at the same time the inevitable happens and you also need to tell them that she died.

Well, everyone, of course, becomes curious as to what happen. I know I would be. It’s just human nature. So depending on my mood, I either tell a quick version or I go really in-depth or something in-between.

At first I just did not feel like telling the story. So, I gave the business card with this website on it and told them where to go to read what happened. Then later that day, I ended up telling them the whole thing. I tried to keep the crying under control to the best of my ability and only cried once which is pretty good for me :(.

The rest of the days was playing games and doing some fireworks. We just had a lot of fun and we met a lot of great people.

Then yesterday came about. It is 4th of July. Keith wanted to go on post and watch the fireworks show that night. To be honest, I really was not looking forward to it. I kept thinking all day at how the last time we actually watched a fireworks show was one the last days Mari was still herself. She could still talk. She could still pick out the movie she wanted to watch. She could still fight us as she did not want to be poked and prodded. She was still just here being Mari even as sick as she was at that point. Keith and I sat in Mari’s hospital room just four years ago and watched the fireworks show from her hospital room window. I remember thinking that hopefully we will be home in the next few days and everything will go back to normal. But it never did.

Keith told me about 6pm last night that we needed to go in the about an hour and half and I just lost it :((. I told him I don’t want to go. It is the last time where Mari was still ok and herself and I just started to sobbed. The rest of the night was on and off tears and being incontrollable with my crying. I guess all of this is to be expected. July 16th will be two years and yet, in some ways, it feels like it was just yesterday.

So I say again, “July Sucks!” And now you know why.

I really look forward to you feedback. Please let me know what you think or how you are feeling. Please tell me of some memories you have of Mari or just a memory you have that is special. I look forward to your comments and feedback.

Also, please do me a favor.  If you either have a Twitter account or a Facebook account, please either become a fan and/or a follower on the right hand side.  Thank you so much for this. 🙂

 

Tangible Things

July 10, 2010 Mommy's Angel in Heaven 0
The only thing tangible left are pictures (and a couple of videos) taken of Mari from the time she was born until the day she died (literally).  We have them of her while she was in the hospital when she was first born and we have them of her in…
 

The Start of a New Day

June 25, 2010 Mommy's Angel in Heaven 8
Today is the start of a new day.  It’s a day I have not had to do in many years (eight, almost nine, years to be precise).  It’s a day I have not been ready for before now.  In the past it would have been a day I dreaded but…

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Comments

  1. Sylvia says

    July 5, 2010 at 9:51 pm

    Yes, Kristena – You have been in my prayers, knowing this month is a blur of memories – glad you are posting about it, – appreciate your sharing!

    • Mommy's Angel In Heaven says

      July 6, 2010 at 8:42 am

      Thank you Sylvia for always thinking about us and being there. We love you.

  2. Jen says

    July 14, 2010 at 1:27 pm

    I am so sorry Kristena. I know this time must be very hard for you. Your loss is great and you are right even with time it is still in your heart and soul like it was yesterday. Marianna was such a wonderful and bright spirit. She took after her mommy very well. I wish there was something anything I could do to ease your pain. Know this no matter what Kristena I LOVE YOU. I am here for you and I understand.

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