Sylvia, I want you to know how much of a dear friend you have become to me. I mean, don’t get me wrong, you were such a help to Keith and I when we were still living in DeKalb. Every Sunday morning you enabled us to be able to attend church service while you were taking care of our beloved angel during children’s church. You enabled her to participate and be around other kids her own age. You have such a gift and you were a God send as you have the speech background that could ultimately help in ways that most people couldn’t. You understood her like most people couldn’t. You are just such a special person and if I have never told you thank you for all you ever did with our beloved baby girl, I want you to know now how very thankful Keith and I are and will always continue to be.
Let me just say that you have been there for me in ways that most people could not as you too have lost a child and a very young one at that. You have been there for me in my darkest hour and I appreciate you more than you could ever know or imagine. My sincerest hope is that one day, I too, can be there for a parent whom has lost a child (even though we all wish this would never happen again but unfortunately we all know it will) in ways that he or she could have never imagined.
We unfortunately have joined a club, a very special club. The club everyone hates and no one wants to enter. We become members kicking and scream but no matter what we end up joining in the end. It’s the “Parents Who’ve Lost a Child” club. We all have an understanding that others out there simply cannot understand or truly grasp. I mean, they try but it is impossible to truly understand until you have been through it yourself and obviously no one wants that. So in a way it is a good thing these other people don’t understand as it just means they themselves have been saved from the heartache and despair we all feel and have felt.
It’s is weird how other people can actually relate to my writing. I have been told that I have a way of being able to take those feelings and emotions that most people cannot or are unable to talk about or portray to others and I am able to put them down into words for other people to understand. I can honestly say that it is so strange for me to hear.
I have always said that I never considered myself to be a very good writer. That is slowly but surely starting to change. As the old adage, or old saying, goes when you hear something enough, good or bad, you start to believe it. So I have to conclude with enough people saying it that I must write ok after all. So thank you to all of you who have either told me this or have never said anything but you yourself believe it.
It is through friends like Sylvia and Julie that have truly helped me in ways I never thought humanly possible during these almost past two years. We are only 14 days, exactly 2 weeks, away from where my life started to change and I had no idea it was about to. It is a change that I have hated and will continue to hate for the rest of my life, but a change none the less. A change that I have still not completely accepted nor will I ever fully accept it. However, it is a change that will slowly but sure be imbedded into my mind as there is no way anyone of us could ever change it back so you have to learn to just accept the reality of what has been given to you anyway.
It is interesting to me how this had simply started out to be a reply to a comment that a very dear friend had made and now it has turned out to be so much more than that. I was realizing as I was writing this that there is more to this reply than just a reply. I guess when the thoughts start coming, they seem to explode now and then. It’s weird that way for me sometimes. It feels good in the end to get them all out there written down. I can look back on them later and they even help me out. It feels good to know this.
Then as an added bonus: They seem to help other people out there as well. I mean, I could have never imagined that way back when Mari was first in the hospital that those journal entries I was writing about while she was in the hospital and what was happening to her and her updates (see Her Hospital Story) would ultimately lead me into writing out my own feelings with the loss of Keith’s and my beloved baby girl, our beloved angel in heaven.
I say “our” because Mari may have been mine and Keith’s daughter, however, she was and continues to be everyone else’s out there’s beloved angel in heaven watching over all of us. She makes sure we are all ok in her own special way, Mari’s way (I mean, could you truly imagine it being any other way?). After all, it always had to be Mari’s way here on earth. Do you honestly think it would change up there in heaven? No way.
Back to the comments people have been leaving. Here recently, I have received so many that have meant so much to me. Julie wrote how she loves “reading [my] writing when [I] do these honest, real life pieces. [I’m] so down to earth and easy to relate to. The continuing story of Mari and how [Keith and I] are dealing with her being gone is really a unique and rich experience that [I am] doing an amazing job of sharing with everyone.” It’s hard for me to truly get across how this just cut right down to my heart and meant so much. It touched me in a way that is hard for me to put down in to words. As I was reading her comment last night, it actually brought tears to my eyes just as Sylvia’s comment did for me this morning. To hear how other people either feel or see my writing is such a neat experience and I wouldn’t change it for the world.
So the bottom line is just Thank You. Thank you to everyone and the words you have shared with me through your comments. Some are short, sweet and to the point, others are long and very expressive, and then all of those in between. Thank you for them all.