It kind of amazes me how I started writing. It has taken me a while to even admit that I am writer (out loud). It sounded so foreign to me yet now it is the exact opposite.
I am about to write something that for some may come across the wrong way. I need everyone to understand that I truly love my daughter and I would give anything to have her back. She was my pride and joy and that will never change. However, God didn’t plan for her to stay on this earth longer than her eight and half years she was with us. He had a plan back then and He still has one now. We may not always understand this plan, in fact we may even disagree with vehemently, yet his plan still takes precedence over anything else in the world. In the end, it is all for His glory.
I look back at the last three and half years and I would have never imagined where I am today. My grief journey has not been easy. I don’t think anyone expected it to be. However, as a result of losing Mari, my beloved angel now in heaven, I started to write that first day while she was in the hospital.
God has allowed many things to happen in my life from being abuse as a child to losing my one and only child plus many other things in between. He had a plan during that whole time. He knew He would show me that He had given me a gift to write but in order to do this He took my daughter to be home with Him. She is now in a better place and through my writing I am able to glorify Him. I can now look at the death of my daughter through different eyes. I can see a bigger picture than I could before.
When I was at my weakest, all I could see was the deep despair and agony the impact of losing a child brings. To say this is hard doesn’t even describe it. There are no words in the English dictionary today that can truly describe what it is like to lose a child. How your heart feels like it has been ripped from your chest. How you feel like you cannot go on living without them by your side.
God has been patient with me through my grief journey. He held me as I was so angry at Him for having the audacity to think it was ok to take my child. However, He knew what He was doing. I couldn’t have understood at the time. My human brain couldn’t wrap itself around something like this. This is why God carries you during times like this. His love envelopes you. You may not think you can feel Him but He is there.
Writing has become something so special to me. I am able to put into words what most people can’t. This is not because of me but because of the gift God has given me. It is through this gift that my writing has and will touch many people’s lives. People will be able to see that even through the worst tragedies we can think of, God is always there guiding and protecting you. You do not have the strength to get through but God gives you the strength needed to be able to. It is because of His strength that I can finally see Mari’s passing as both sad yet a blessing at the same time. I hope this has made sense because for the first time it is making perfect sense to me.
Thank you Lord for all that you do. Mari, my beautiful baby girl, please know Mommy misses you very much and we will see each other someday soon in heaven when the time is right.