I sit here at 5:16 in the morning playing a game on Facebook. It is a game I have truly come to love to play. I play it on a daily basis. I introduced it to Keith and he plays it right along with me. It is nice to have something we both love playing together. Since I have started playing the game, I have not written anything. I sometimes feel like I am letting me or others down but it has been nice to just not have to think about things all the time.
A little over 3 weeks ago I went in for an interview. Started a new job 2 days later and went to orientation for the next 2 days. Then I officially started my very first graveyard shift that Friday night. It has been really nice getting out of the house and meeting new people.
What I have noticed the last couple of times as I am driving to work is that the music I play, a lot of the songs will bring me about to thinking about Mari. I have been really missing her lately. And then this evening (as I stay up all night the nights I am not working so I keep the same schedule) I was really feeling how much I am truly missing her. I was sitting here thinking about how I held her that last hour of her life and literally watched the life leave my daughter’s body forever. I literally saw her take her very last breathe on this earth. I miss her so much.
It has been over 2 years and it feels like I shouldn’t have days like this anymore yet they come creeping up on me just the same. I sit here crying as I type this as I miss her so very much. Sometimes my life just feels so utterly empty without her here with us. Like there is just an emptiness that envelopes me and doesn’t want to let me go. No, I don’t always feel this way. But today is a day I do.
I know it will go away and then come back again. And it seems like it does happen fewer and fewer times. Just when it does come, it is almost like it catches me off guard. I can always put on such a happy face for those around me so they don’t know how much I truly hurt inside. Yes, everyone tells me that I can talk to them whenever I need to. But to be honest, I just don’t like talking about it with people. It is depressing and makes me sad. Then all I want to do is cry. I don’t like to do this in front of people. And I think most people really don’t want me to talk about it with them as it is sad. It will just bring them down. But they are trying to be nice and be there for me. I just don’t feel comfortable.
Keith is truly the only person I truly feel the most comfortable with as far as talking about Mari. I hope this does not sadden those that know me. I just know that no matter what is said or what is done, Mari is not coming back and I will miss her always. I will always have a part missing from my heart that left with her the day she died. She took it with her and is buried there with her.
I miss you baby girl and mommy loves you so much.