In life there are so many things we can be fearful of. Some seem irrational like small spaces, loud noises like fireworks shows, or even the little itty-bitty spiders that to some say, “it’s more afraid of you than you of it.” I think my granny (with noises) and my mom (with spiders) would beg to differ.
When it comes to writing, fear can grind us to a halt. We are afraid of what some might say about our writing. Or we won’t ever find an agent or publisher so why try. Or sometimes the strongest fears of all are what our family and friends will think about it.
I know when I began writing updates about how Mari was doing and any progress that had happen, whether good or bad, I just wrote. I needed to get them to everyone so we could have hundreds, if not thousands, of people praying for our little girl. It was my fear of losing Mari that spurred me on as I wrote.
My daughter’s hospital story I have on her dedication website, every day written was done so while she was alive, except for one. July 16, 2008. This day will always be etched to my memory. So during that day, as my life came to crashing halt, I didn’t write what was happening, especially when I sat there holding my beloved angel in my arms as she took her very last breath as her heart stopped. That day has me in tears even as I write this.
I sat in the room we were staying at in my husband’s mom and dad’s house. It took me three very emotional cry-fest filled days to get my daughter’s last day down. Keith, my hubby, told me to stop. That I didn’t need to do it now. I told him I had to get everything down while it was fresh so I didn’t forget anything. It was too important not to do this. It didn’t matter that it made me relive those moments. It didn’t matter if I cried the whole time doing it. I had to get this down.
So, in this case, the fear of losing my daughter did come true, but I didn’t let it stop me. And God had a plan for all those notes I wrote for friends and family, and especially that last day. Those notes were to help me to take them and turn them into a memoir so that other people who have lost someone, and especially a child, or any kind of loss, they will then be able to read Mari’s story and know someone else out there really does understand what they are going through.
So I didn’t let my fear stop me. I used my fear to propel me forward.
“Fear is also energy; climbing up a steep mountain peak, going out on stage for two hours in front of an audience, or writing a book — none of this works if you’re laid-back and casual about the whole thing. A la-di-da attitude doesn’t help you up a mountain, rivet an audience, or get you to the last page of your book.”—Abercrombie, Barbara (2012-05-08). A Year of Writing Dangerously: 365 Days of Inspiration & Encouragement