Life rafts can come to mean so many different things to different people. For me, my life rafts come from my Heavenly Father. He knows when I’m about to drown. It’s in these moments He gives me a life raft, in other words, He carries me through whatever is happening in my life at that time.
When Mari got sick and we started on our very long sixteen day journey that felt like the worst roller coast I’d ever been on, and I love roller coasters. It’s like I couldn’t wait for the terrible ride to end, only in this case when the ride did it crashed and my world changed in that moment.
In just over a month from now my precious little angel will have been gone for five years on July 16. I look back on that time when she first pasted and then the very long days and months that followed that first year. They felt like I was in this blackhole that was swallowing me up and I had no escape. I saw no light at then end of my tunnel. Just pure and utter darkness engulfed my body.
It’s interesting in that the same signs and symptoms of depression are very similar to those of grief. I was miserable. I cried all the time. I ached for my little girl and wanted her back so much. I couldn’t see one positive thing that could come out of losing my little girl.
What I didn’t know then that I know now is that my heart and my mind just needed the time to grieve and become more clear about the tragedy we went through. It wasn’t until about three and half years after that I really understood the beauty and blessings God had bestowed in my life. He gave me the gift of writing. It’s in this gift that the words I write touch others.
I floated in my life raft for a very long time until I came to a point I was able to walk on shore again and realize that I’m okay. I’m able to write about my beautiful daughter which helps her memory to continue on. I’m able to understand that even in the greatest of tragedies God is still there. No, we may not be happy with God’s decision but then we can’t see the greater, bigger plan He has in store. All I know is that through Mari’s life she was able to touch so many and then through my writing she is still doing this. For me, this is one of the most beautiful things that has happened in my life. I will forever be thankful and grateful for this gift.