It’s been 4 months since the loss of our beloved baby girl. 4 MONTHS!!! How can that be? It does not seem possible that just 4 short months ago we had made a decision to permanently take our daughter off of life support and let her go. Who would have ever thought that something in this life could ever be THIS hard. No one can ever imagine what it is like because we are not capable. As parents, it would drive us nuts. It would hurt everyday over something that probably will never even happen to them. I know this is how I was.
I hate it when people said or say that we were brave. Everyone needs to understand that our decision had nothing to do with bravery. It had to do with making the right choice for someone you love more than yourself. I can honestly say that there really are not too many, if any, that people love more than themselves. For me, I would have to say that I love my husband more than myself and my daughter was right there with him.
To lose her is almost impossible to describe. There really are no words that can be said that would ultimately describe how we feel. Honestly, only another parent who has lost a child can even remotely understand what we are going through. I guess the best way to describe it is that it is a club you join the moment your child is gone. It is club you never EVER wanted to join but had no choice in this matter. You would rather have gone your whole life without joining the club than to join it. But none the less, here we are where Keith and I have joined it anyway. Against our wishes. Against our will. Against everything we had ever even hoped or dreamed for. We are now members. The one thing I can say is since I had to join this terrible club at least there are others before us that can help us and those that inevitably will be joining someday that we may be able to help them some day.
It seems like as we near the next month about a week before I start to get extremely emotional up to about a week after. Then the day of comes and I am just a complete wreck.
To miss her is to love her. She will always be in my heart and in my thoughts. There will not be a day that I don’t think about her. She was half of my everything and Keith is the other half. Half of my everything is missing so there is a big whole but I am so glad that the other half is still here with me. I know that we will get through this life together as we grieve for the rest of our lives for our precious baby girl.
We love you Mari and one day we will be reunited again.
Love Mommy and Daddy